all's ok for now....

I turned on the water, cracked open the window, turned on the fans and turned up the volume. Finally a moment to myself, I knew the matches were on the top shelf in the medicine cabinet, for my candles of course. The devilish stick that sent my father to his grave was in my lips, I lit the match and inhaled, yes inhaled and damn it felt good...I know sad, sick but its the only thing I had left, my last vice. Ok it stunk and I really couldn't inhale anymore more after the first hit, I was getting a nasty head rush, never liked those, always happens when you haven't smoked in awhile. Someone people love it but I hate it, makes me feel sick....I tried to take a few more drags since I went to the trouble to lit it anyways, but it was nasty. I dropped it into the dixi cup, it sizzled in the water, poof and died, slow hazy smoke. It was nasty, into the garbage it went, had to tie off the bag. It stank, the entire bathroom stank, hopefully the candle I lit would kill the scent? Didn't matter now...hell its about time I utilized my jacuzzi tub, only used it three times at most, lamn. Almost three years in the house and used it only three times...lamn lamn.

Nice hot water, hot jet streams on my toes?...terrible design, why would you have jets pointed at your feet and not around the neck or shoulders...hell that's where all my tensions is, not on my feet or legs.....gotta switch my ass around the opposite direction to get the jets to where it'll help.
Too bad I can't hear the music since the damn jets are so loud, but its nice....too bad I gotta scrub off the dae(dirt, old skin) grabbed the handy dandy red korean sandcloth, the shit that rubs your skin off but feels so good after? Shit I'm so korean, I guess all those years of having my skin scrubbed off as a child made me in to a freak. Isn't weird after you scrub off all the dae, rinse, lather the cloth with soap scrub once more and then rinse off. Yes you feel so damn clean and smooth and new...nothing like that feeling, you hated it as a child, feared it, cowered into the corner hoping your mother didn't get a hold of you cause you knew the torture would start and it wouldn't stop until you were brightly red, with layers of dae on your arm, had to be red to make sure it came off. Even when you begged for her to stop she wouldn't until she got a good layer or two of your skin off, only until then were you clean. Shit yes now I look forward to that, it hurts but feels good? Had I become some masochistic freak that's get off on her own skin being scrubbed off? Naw I'm just your typical korean woman getting clean.

Nicely raw and red from the scrubbing I feel better, can't stand to see my naked body with all its extra rolls and fat but its ok. Too lazy to put on lotion, hell I remember the days I would never miss putting lotion all over my body...hmmm that was before the kids, before the husband, time I had to be vain, self-centered and focus on myself. But that's ok too tired a d lazy anyways, besides too much to lotion up now, too much area and I'm lazy and tired.


I laid down and watched tv for the rest of the day, I sent the child outside with her father. I sent him outside to finally finish installing the lights on our new concrete posts. Why is is that I have to tell this man what to do, when to do it and how??? I have three kids not two, love the man but he is a child, needing guidance in everything he does. It tires me, I hate telling him what he needs to do, I hate telling all of them what to do, and they wonder why I'm a crazy nagging witch. I retire, I quit, I want to run away, so they can be at peace, so I can be at peace. Ok a wild fantasy, but its ok for now. I got my break for the moment. That's all I need a break, a break from her, them, all of them...a moment for myself to shed my tears, to feel like shit.

Today I don't feel bad, I'm ok...I just don't want to feel like yesterday, those days suck...I need my break, a brief moment away from all of them.