Just like that

Bam!Out of no where the shitty feelings have come back. I don't have the fog, yet but hopefully it wont get that bad again. I just feel antsy and pissed off...not liking it one bit. I also realize now for sure I've become a major emotional eater...the crappier I feel the more I feel like eating even though I'm not hungry. It's like I'm emotionally starving so I have to physically fill myself up with food but you know what it ain't working. I'm thinking to myself shit is it PMS..maybe since I just had it like two or so weeks ago and I always get the crazy ass symptoms two weeks before I start. The crappy thing is I was feeling really good but now I feel like total crap.

It started with teenager..he totally pissed me off with his moodiness, but more than anything I couldn't handle the disrespect. It really stems from the fact while growing up I could never talk back to my parents nor did I ever try. No matter whether my parents were right or wrong I had to take it all in. Cause you can't show disrespect to your elders, regardless of how fucked up they are, but here before is my own son being a typical teen but talking back to me. I guess I lost it, the more I thought about the more I wanted to ring his neck. Shit how could he be such an jerk when here I was talking to him, being there for him, doing all the things my parents didn't do for me. Maybe that was it maybe he needed to fear me to respect me...shit all I know is that he brought this ugliness in me. Then it could also be it remind me of his father, of how he would do shit to me and call me crazy, never taking responsibility for what he did to me. Regardless of what it is, I want it to go away. I tried so hard to get to this point and in one instance I'm at point one. I feel so unsatisfied, distressed and yes I feel like running away again.

Unfortunately it makes me think of all the things I'm not happy with and magnifies them..makes me wonder why the fuck 'am I even trying, why do I even try. I'm tired and don't want to give a shit. I sometimes hate the ones I 'm supposed to love. I know I suck but I don't give a shit.

Our Limits

I've reached my limit, the point of where I have ignored my own needs but now I want out. I want out of this so called life of mine, I want out of this self-sacrificing shit, I want out of doing what's best for the kids, over looking that I basically carry on conversations with myself..that I do not have a support system in which to meet my needs. Yes I've blown my cover, but the thing is I don't feel depressed about it but angry..pissed off as hell and I'm not going to take it. Maybe its the process but I'm tired of trying to do whats right or to have it thrown in my face, to be ignored and walked on, I'm tired of giving up what little identity I had before, something I had worked so hard to achieve to fizzle within a few months, I'm tired of following fucked up tradition and culture norms to be accepted. I want out and I want to live the life I always wanted but never had the balls to pursue. It's kinda fucked that we should receive the confidence and self belief to pursue our dreams as children however most of us get so fucked up then that it takes us a life time to figure out we are ok only to let most of our lives has passed us by.

Even to this day I'm still trying to figure out why the fuck I'm so screwed up, I want to have self confidence and assurance that a woman my age should have but I feel like a lost child, not knowing which directions I should go to, I do not feel one ounce of confidence or belief that I could succeed in anything. I'm afraid as hell of what I can do..should I go back to school, can I go back, do I really think I could pass the classes, all the voices of doubt fill my head.

The things that make matters worst is that I don't feel appreciated for what I've done, that none of it is worthwhile, but a waste of time...my time. Maybe its selfish but you know what I need to be selfish..I'm tired of feeling wrong, tired of not taking care of me, tired of letting people walk all over me and thinking its ok. I want me back, I want to achieve my own goals, I don't want my kids to grow up thinking its ok to walk all over mom, that she doesn't have a life, that her life is to serve them..I'm sorry but being a mom isn't my only identity.

Face book...it's an addiction

Lately I've spent most of my online time of Face book, I was slow to warm up not adding any friends but slowly I was getting more and more friend requests. Before I knew it I was hooked..full blown addicted to finding those damn "hatchlings" one of their many applications, looking up "old friends" and seeing what they been up to after high school. So typical most of all the popular people are losers now, the quiet geeky kids full blown successes..getting their PhD's, owning their own software companies, traveling the world and way better looking then they used to be, hello Ugly Duckling! Got to admit I'm envious of their lives unlike the popular kids, uh well they had their glory moments way back then and obviously burned the candle on both ends..they look like shit. Middle aged, old, wrinkled...really bad. I have to say days like this it pays off to be Korean/Asian, sure once we hit like 70 we get super freakin wrinkled and old over night but till then we look pretty damn good and I mean without any work! It's weird cause I remember everyone from how they used to look way back in elementary school, junior high and high school but now they look so old.

Shit I'm middle aged and I didn't even know it...I know I wasn't young but I didn't realize I was this old! Besides the extra pounds I feel so much better...I know that's bad but it feels good knowing I don't look that old...I hate to say it but its true blonds/white people burn out fast. So as time goes by I'm grateful for being Korean, yes seems superficial but what can I say but the truth. It sucks to age, that's why everyone is into plastic surgery etc. besides the sun damage from my tanning days I'm not that old looking after all.

Disney...happiest place on earth...NOT!

We went on a mini family vacation to Disneyland courtesy of my mother-in-law(she paid) this last weekend. This last summer we went to San Diego with her and the hubby's nephew and it was over all a pleasant experience. So when she suggested another trip to Disneyland I didn't give second thought to it. I should have taken note why my brother in law and his wife declined on vacationing with her and went without her to Disneyland this last thanksgiving when they came down. I guess either I'm in denial or dense...I will blame it on the fogginess of depression. Well what should have been a wonderful trip with memories of bonding and happiness it turned out a trip from hell. Since my meeting with her I have been respectful and accommodating to this woman who gave life to my darling husband...I did not want the stigma of the over bearing mother-in-law to taint our relationship. I swear no matter how opinionated and snooty she could get I dealt with it with a smile and even a laugh. I followed what she wanted, bent over backwards to welcome her and make her feel comfortable, cooked meals for her, cleaned up after her, had endless hours of conversation with her about knitting, sewing, how great she is....all a while all my dear hubby was at work or in another room avoiding her. I did it with grace, acceptance and yes duty. After all this woman gave birth and raised my sweet and agreeable husband....could she be as bad as what my sister-in-law told me to be.

Last year for my mother-in-laws hang gap (60th Birthday) we drove up to Sacramento to throw her a surprise birthday party...yes my idea since I was raised with Korean tradition of 60th birthday's as a big deal. My husband is American Chinese so I figured it would only be right since our cultures are similar. Well during that visit my sister-in-law and I were able to talk one on one about how they resented us because of what my MIL was saying about us..."you know they do this...and this...why can't you guys do this...so this invisible tension was looming between the siblings and their spouses because this woman had the audacity to make comparisons of her grown sons. It turns out my husbands younger brother can not stand his mother even though she watches their little boy. I guess she was abusive stating he was stupid..etc as a child and he still holds a grudge to her. All I got from my husband was she yelled alot and he ignored her...he did what she wanted to shut her up...in their minds my husband was the favorite son, although in reality he was the favorite. This was noted my own observations and aunt and uncle-in-law.

I didn't let any of this really taint my opinions of her...I thought parents are tough on the oldest usually and let it be that. But now I realize how selfish and narrow minded she is. She thinks she is always right an her way is the right way...father-in-law was a sweet man who gave into his wife. He was a very soft spoken and kind man.

Music

I have forgotten how much I love music, they way it sooths me, the way the words express what is in my soul. It seems I had lost all aspects of my being including the emotions I feel from music. Currently I'm listening to my collection of music on my laptop and can't understand why I didn't turn on the volume and push play. Yes I'm enjoying music again...I feel alive, I feel happy. Listening to the music I want to dance, my body moves, I sway, my legs tap...I'm singing.

Being depressed really did suck out every aspect of my life. It seems strange but your are a prisoner in your own body, where you cannot control the deep darkness that grabs a hold of you, the energy and life leaves you deflated and hopeless. But you know you shouldn't feel this way but no matter how hard you try to pull yourself out of the darkness its useless. It is a scary place to be full of uncertainty and pain. You feel pathetic for feeling this way but you cannot change it...you do try but it doesn't go away only when it is ready to. I don't know if my grief ran its natural course or its the vitamins I'm taking but I'm back. I don't want to say all is well but I've felt happy, real joy and I laughed. It's been slow but this entire week I've felt happiness....yes real happiness where I feel it through out my entire body. Something I haven't felt in a very long time. I'm happy.

One step at a time

Sometimes we need to take a break away from ourselves to stop spending precious time over analyzing every thought, word, action and reaction. Not everything has a deeper meaning, sometimes things are as they are...simple and direct. It's been a long while since I have been able to focus and see the days for what they were, without living in dread, fear, and confusion. It seems like the fog has lifted but I know it lingers listlessly waiting to envelope me in its restlessness and confusing haze. But as of right now I've escaped its grasps. I know I will never completely be free of it but I know to keep ahead of it I must live in the moment. I must not look back to see why its there but move forward with my day. Yes I feel ok, even good although I fear saying those words will jinx my progress, the painful slow steps in which I have overcome it. It's a race in which I have to win, I have no choice because the reality is that I have too much depending on me to give into it. It has grasped me deeper and stronger than it has ever but I have won this race, at least for the time being I'm stronger than it.

I'm still a work in progress...I have been torn apart but I stand strong on my foundation which has never left me, a foundation in which I'm held tightly by love, my family. No matter how insecure and uncertain I have been it is the security and belief from them that has kept me from completely losing all sense of myself. They are the core strength and hope that keep me going even though I feel as if I have nothing left. They are the ones that depend on me, the ones that keep my light from burning out, the warmth that draws me back in even when I feel as if I have lost my way.

Enlightment

In the mist of the storm we are working under stress, being guided by emotions and adrenaline where action is necessary for survival. But the dust settles and we can take a step back and really see what is in front of us because in the momentum of we lose track of what really matters. We lose what is really important the day to day matters that face us, not the extreme answers that seemed to suffice when action was needed but today.
I had been reluctantly making decisions for my mother the last two years because she was unable to. However I can finally take that weight off my shoulders because she is stronger and she is able to take charge of her life once again. Even though I really do not want her and my aunt to live with us it was a sacrifice I was willing to make, however now I realize she may feel more comfortable with her own place. Although at this point even though I directly ask her what she wants she doesn't give me a direct answer.

Regrets....

"Your a pain Mom, a real pain in the butt..."
Yep those were my words not that of a thoughtless teen but a grown woman with two kids. Sure they came out not in a fight or in anger but more in irritation, frustration and exhaustion of having to fix everything for her. There before me was a shoe box full of receipts from the last few years with her prescription drugs. I had just discovered she had over nineteen hundred dollars in her Cafe125 plan from her w2which was news to me as well as her. I thought you had to sign up for this shit and it's evident my mom has no freaking idea what the heck I was talking about so I tried to explain to her she had money saved at work to pay for her drugs, co pays etc.

Hmmm no clue...at least she knew enrollment for insurance was November which should mean that the Cafe125 program should co ensign with that, so she should be able to get reimbursed for this past year. Good thing I worked in financial department at work or else I would have no idea what the hell this was or that she was owed money. It turns out she had over sixteen hundred dollars in receipts although I think she has more she didn't keep but if I read correctly she is able to ask for the rest of the money back otherwise they keep it. It's funny how they take the money but unless you ask for it you will not get it back, they (company) get to keep it...hmm can we say bullshit! This makes me wonder how many other employees whose first language isn't English have been enrolled in this program and haven't asked for reimbursement and will lose their hard earn money! Talk about shitty in the worst way, not only do they get paid shit for all their hard work, they get robbed too.

I separated the receipts by month and tallied up the total and wrote a note requesting reimbursement as well as rest of balance left on her program, hopefully she gets it back without a fuss, other wise I will have to go make a visit to HR and make a stink about it. This made me remember how much I didn't like my old job, how much I hated pushing paper and tallying up numbers. It sucked and this just reminded how much I don't want to go back to that, but then that's another issue. So I told her she was a pain, I repeated it...I wasn't angry but more tired of just having to deal with all her issues.

I regret it...I haven't slept well since then...I feel bad for making her feel bad.
"I will be a pain till I die"
Those were her words and yet I didn't try to make her feel better..I just kept on saying your a pain. I guess in ways I'm mad at her for being so damn helpless, for not asking help from my brothers. Mad at myself for helping her on my own but then feeling burnt out for doing it all, yes I did it on my own but if I dont who will be there for her. No else will be, not even her precious sons. So I regret being mean, for being the dutiful daughter and complaining about it. But I will need to snap out of it soon because we will have to start the major renovation of the kitchen and living room which means planning because they won't have a kitchen. Things need to be organized, packed and well thought out since they will be living in the house during construction and its not like they have another kitchen. So maybe that's what stressing me out, that my husband and I are the only ones doing all the work.

I'm tired, tired of rescuing them , tired of doing their bills, tired of fixing the house, tired of hosting everyone, tired of being understanding, tired of sacrificing my kids and husband for everyone else needs. This is only the beginning since the plan is for my mother and aunt to move in with us after the house is sold. That itself is another issue, I love my mom but we bump heads, she and I argue all the time because she criticises me all the time but expects me to take it all in and suck it up, because as she puts it it for my own good. She nags and annoys me like no one else and I'm supposed to take it cause I'm her daughter. Uhhh no lady that's not how its going to work, she doesn't say shit to her daughter-in-law or son but bitches to me all the time. So seeing a future with her and I under the same household scares me, besides what monsters the kids become with old ladies "inputs".

I guess I got alot on my plate but there are other positives. I wont have to go to her house every weekend to do bills, yard work, etc., she can quit working finally, she can help with the kids so I can work, and I'm hoping she can go live in Korea six months out of the year visiting her family. (sigh)

One thing at a time...gotta work on the house first.

Hi we need to have a talk

Hi there "Me" are you there? It's been a long time since we talked, I don't think the mental list and running away from what's deep inside constitutes talking. I know you been trying hard, well at least trying hard to run away from the pain but that too will end. Woman to woman you have to understand that this is all a part of life, you know by now as many times as you've fallen on your ass you get right up and kept going. You are a fighter and although you've got a bit more lift up now, you are still you. Sure you've strayed away from the path but that's ok that's all a part of life. We make our own paths as we go along...things change, we change and it's only natural to change. It's ok to be afraid, to be disillusioned, but you've got more than just your babies depending on you. You need you...remember how you wanted for your mother to have a life of her own, one that she could find her own happiness and meaning. You my friend are so much like her and all your fore mothers before. It's the way of womanhood but you know times have changed and you have to go with the flow. Stop fighting the tides of change and release yourself and float along with it. Let it help you along it's choppy waters, if you need to stay within the banks and feel your way until your brave enough to swim on your own.

Just as before you will reach your destiny but it's not about the end but the journey in which it takes you. After all there is no real end, only in death and even then we may have another journey in the ever after. But till you get there you need to start living again, loving again, laughing again, and enjoying life. After all weren't you always the one who saw the glass half full? Remember who you are even with all your insecurities and questions because everything will fall in place. Your life awaits you so start living once again.

Keeping Busy

I've been keeping busy this week by organizing all the closets. On Monday I only intended to clean out and reorganize the front closet, then I had to put something in my son's closet and I saw disaster! Holy shit this boy is a pack rat, keeping all the bags and packaging..WTF! Is it too hard to remove the item out of the bag/box and put it away, not stuff the shit back in a bag and throw it in the closet. It became an all day project but I did both of them and I felt so accomplished.

Yesterday the closet organizers I ordered for baby girl's room came so I installed the new organizer in her closet. But I had to first take out all the stuff that was in there (including my clothes) and then remove the standard closet. Much easier said than done, let's say I worked up a sweat taking it all out and then trying to find wall studs to install the new system. It took me 9 hours and I still wasn't finished putting everything away. I had to separate all her baby toys from stuff she uses now, I've got 3 big garbage bags full of clothes and toys. It's amazing how much shit a four year old has, and this isn't the first time I've cleaned her stuff out!

Today I finished putting all her shit away, looks damn good but it was a lot of work. I threatened her she better keep her room the way I left it (yeah right, I've had this conversation with my son and her many times before) I will be surprised if it lasts for a week. Being the resourceful woman I'am I took her old shelf and hung it my closet. It was good that I didn't have to take anything off but it was hard since I was hanging the shelf on top of the existing shelf.

I don't understand why they make such shitty closet designs, there is like 6 feet of space above the shelf. So much wasted storage, the organizer I ordered was actually too short for my closet so I will redo the office closet tomorrow. I feel accomplished however I need baskets and such to make things look neater and nicer..sounds funny you gotta buy more crap to organize the crap you already have!

I'm tired but content, the weeks gone by fast since I've been keeping busy. I was worried since on Tuesday I wasn't able to sleep and tossed and turn all night. Luckily last night I slept and I've got a feeling I will too tonight, keeping busy is good.