Begging and wishing

It's the cutest thing ever Lucky came to us "pre-owned" and with it we were super lucky to say the least...she came fully potty trained but not only that she also "begs", totally cute and irresistible. As my mom says how can I not give her any food, besides everyone is in love with her. She greets everyone who comes into the house, so friendly gentle and lovable. So she's got a fan club because she has the ability to make everyone she comes in contact with special by giving them attention and love.

We've got family members who never considered owning a dog wanting a dog just like her, my mom said to me "You will giver her to me right since I will be alone?" She actually coos and talks to Lucky like a baby and says Lucky is better than a person because she gets up and runs to the door to greet her. She picks her up and cradles in her arms and of course feeds her even though we tell her not to since although cute as she is "begging" its not a good habit. So as like with all the grandchildren she does not listen to what I say but spoils Lucky. I can get over it after all if spoiling Lucky brings her some joy fine.

I worry about her since she has no other life than working...I actually told her I'd wish she would date. She thinks I'm crazy, she says she will never do that, she is waiting to join my dad. I told her he's probably pimping it up there with a bunch of young women while she is worried about being with him! I can't say I admire that about her but I can understand...I find it sad because her entire life was about her husband and his family. She lived her life as a good daughter-in-law of the eldest son however she expects so little from her own daughter-in-laws, although it seems like I fulfill those needs. I don't mind but I wish she would stop living like a martyr because it's hard having a mother that is so damn self sacrificing and a saint. Cause you know what I'm tired of filling those shoes, I've had more than my share of self sacrificing and abuse. I want me time and not feel guilty about it...I want her to take a new outlook of her life and finally live for herself. So maybe I'm wishing for far more than what can be but maybe just maybe with time she can actually have her own life, one that she wants to live, really live not just waiting to die.

That's my wish for Christmas this year for my mom to want to live, to have a fresh start in a new life that she is able to enjoy and find the joy that could be her life! I believe this will help me in my own life, to live my life as I should, to the fullest without regrets, with hope and desire not just wanting to escape, wishing it to be over, to really live. I do want to live, not to go through the motions but create the life I want to have. To be grateful of all that I'm blessed with, so this Christmas Santa please please bring my mom a real desire to want to live her a life and I promise I will live my own!

Empty

I know deep down in this empty dark soul is a warm person, a person who enjoyed being with others, enjoyed being outdoors, enjoyed living life besides its bumpy path, one who picked herself up when she fell down. But today she is nowhere to be found, she has been gone for along time, far longer than ever before. I think she wants to come back yet she is so far from where she came from. Her tracks have faded away, the storms of anger and pain have all but erased her steps, her former self all but left as a distant memory quickly fading. She is scared of this new person who has emerged, she is confused at who she has become, she hates who she is yet she is unable to change. It sounds so easy to say get off your fat ass and walk back into your life, take hold of what is yours, hold on to it for dear life..so easy because here I sit unable to move. Frozen in this misery unable to move forward or back, just clinging on to the hopelessness that is me. Hating this blob who is me, ashamed of what I have become because looking back I'm survived so much more with so little, yet now when I have more than I ever had I've become so helpless, small and pathetic. Worst of all I fear of what I'm placing into my children, the memories of a dark, angry, irrational mother..one who loses it at a drop of a dime...the ugly truth that is reality. One who waits for her life to happen as she waits for the world to change when in reality it is she who needs to change. I've become the monster I did not wish on anyone, especially the little souls that rely on me to grow as I'm stunting their growth, their development of their self worth and identity.

It has never been harder than today for me to break out of this darkness, this deep fog that chains my soul into this bleakness....I want to break free, to lift my soul to the light, to be lifted of this burden that is I...yet I have failed.

Same old sh*%

It's been awhile since I have wrote anything besides being busy with house guests and working on mom's house its still the same thing. Min., hours, days, months and even years go by and its the same thing. I'm still waiting to live my life, I'm still waiting for when I lose the weight, when I feel better emotionally, when we have money, when I start working again. It's the same cycle I realize I've learned it from my parents always putting their life on hold till they have the money, till the retire, till later and then wham tomorrow is here and gone and guess what we are still waiting. I'm tired, really tired could be the stupid cycle but I feel zapped out. Could be staying up two nights with a sick child, the depression, the extra weight...blah blah blah...that's what it sounds to my own ears.

I'm tired of listening to myself, not changing, being me, but not really me although is this the me now, after all we change, so maybe this is who I'm now..an overweight SAHM, who is depressed still waiting to grow up and get the life she wanted, although she doesn't ever seem to know what she really wants or do.

We are having house guests again for Christmas, its at our house again..and as of this moment I wish it wasn't. I'm not interested in hosting Christmas or any other shit ever. Ok ever seems like never but as of right now I do not want it, any of it..I'm drowning, suffocating, I want to be gone...poof just like that. I suck, I find it hard to be happy, to appreciate my life, I know its better than many others, that I should be grateful but the bitterness and disgust is what it is.

I love my dog Lucky, she is such a sweet dog, we are lucky we got her. I guess that's the positive note, besides my son doing well in school and being such a good kid. And this is a child born out of wedlock, to a single mom. One of his teachers signed him up to take the GATE testing at his high school last week and it turns out he passed. Gotta say I'm so proud of him, I didn't say anything to him when he came home with the letter to do the IQ test, I didn't want him to feel pressured to pass or worse feel like a failure if he didn't make it. But he did and I'm so proud of him besides just that. I feel proud because he is such a great kid, not just saying that cause he is my son, actually I think I expect way more from my kids than other people's and I'm not one to gush complements or brag, although maybe I need to a bit more. I take more of a humble approach, have been around people who brag and such about their kids and its not pretty. But hey I can, he gets excellent grades, way more mature than I was at his age and listens pretty damn well. Besides being empathetic and caring about others...even as a three year old I remember his pre-school teacher telling me she thinks he will grow up to be a diplomat because he makes friends with the new kids and comforts kids when they are crying or sad.

Not gonna lie I had my doubts, especially since not having any real support for him from my family, I just hoped he would stay away from wanting to be a gang member or trying to be like his "sperm donor" I know crude and sad but its true. I know I need to grateful and thankful but its hard. I miss my dad...I try not to think about it, it's what makes me move on but I'm still so raw and painful. I tried not thinking about him, not visiting the cemetery like I used too, to make it easier but it hasn't gone away..life sucks now. I know there are good things but they aren't good for me..motherhood isn't good for me. I pretend that it is...like all other parents that glow and boast about their kids...sometimes I wish I never had them because I feel like they could of had a better mother. I seem to carry all the negative, angry, ugly parts of my childhood...I want to do better for my kids but realistically how can I when I'm still in the darkness?

I missed writing although I did not have much to write about, just the daily crap but not with much depth or insight. It finally starting raining last night, currently is is raining, actually pouring at times...it's dark and grey outside...like how I feel..I think I need a good cry too. I hate to be me...I want to grow up to be someone awesome, not depressed or angry.

We're committed!

So we did it, we made a commitment to a new family member and it's a girl! We had always wanted a dog but the timing had never been right, for the last few months I thought about getting us a new family member, going back and forth with all the pros and cons. We knew we wanted a small dog since it would be an indoor dog, one that doesn't shed much, one that doesn't require tons of activity and most likely a pound dog. Even though puppies are adorable we know they need lots of training to be house trained. We know there are allot of dogs out there needing love so that’s why we decided on a pound dog. Her name is Lucky Sa-rang-ee Lee and she is from Korea, we adopted her from Happy Ending Rescue , a wonderful small organization that rescues dogs from Korea. We actually found her on petfinder.com while doing a general search. I couldn't resist how adorable she was; even though she is four years old she still looks like a puppy but is house broken and very sweet! We all fell in love with her and within a day we drove down to Anaheim to see her at her foster home.

Lucky ran right up to us and wanted some love, she laid on her back wanting her tummy to be rubbed. I even cradled her in my arms like a baby and she just laid there nuzzling her face to my breast! We were definitely impressed by her sweetness and knew we wanted her. We confirmed we wanted her that night and she would be brought to our home for a final inspection and delivery. She has been in our home since Sunday but it feels like she's been here forever, she fits in with our family perfectly and she is such a great dog! I can't believe how well adapted and wonderful she is!

She is our Chinese Korean dog, just like our Chinese Korean household, she is prefect for us. I know it sounds corny but I feel like she was meant for us. I have to admit sometimes I do believe in things were meant to be, not just random! Her name was Ai-Chan, changed from Sa-rang-ee from Korea but we decided on Lucky because she is lucky we believe to come from all the way over from Korea. I wanted to keep her name Sa-rang-ee (means love in Korean) however my son said it was too hard to pronounce, so that is why it is her middle name.

Sometimes I feel like writing, I have lots to get off my chest but then other times nothing. I have no inspiration what so ever to write anything, I follow all my blogs with earnest and dedication but I have nothing. Sometimes more than not I seem to be flat, no real emotion, like if I'm in energy conservation mode. It seem easier, I guess I'm used to be being brain dead since its been a few years I have been on this hiatus but I really believe I need to go back. I need conversation, I need mental stimulation, I need to work my brain by learning new things. Being a SAHM isn't for me not permanently regardless of how much money we had, if we had it. I need more than cleaning house, cooking meals and taking care of my family. It just doesn't cut it for me, the truth be it I believe I'm not cut out for this. I don't have the patience, I have more patience and understanding towards other kids just not mine.

The daily small repetitive things irk me, so monotonous and predictable. I miss conversation with people outside of my family. I miss having debates, differences of opinions and intellect, smart ass teenage ramblings and incessant whining of four year old don't count. Unfortunately hubby isn't much of a thinker or conversationalist, I talk he listens. I didn't marry him for his debating skills, did I mention it's like talking to a wall. Love the man, love the kids just need some good conversation sometimes.

I miss good conversation.

"You can't...."

"You can't let her watch this kind of stuff mom, she is too young. She's not supposed to be liking boys till like she is 10, she supposed to think they are yucky!"
This is what my 15 year old son told me 5 min. ago because the tv is on and zoey 101 is on. Not that baby girl is really watching it, but since he changed the channel she had a fit. They have been on each other's back since he got home 2 and half hours ago. Go figure I didn't think there would be sibling bickering with a age gap of 11 years, figured wrong!

My son is already so overprotective of his baby sister, he's told me he doesn't want her to grow up to be a stupid girl he wants her to do sports, he doesn't want her to wear skirts or shorts. He says he knows what boys think about when they look at girls, he doesn't want that for his baby sister. He says "boys are dirty mom, they really are, I know how they are cause I know how I'm". He actually left wrestling class because they had a sub and they were just standing in the gym watching the cheerleaders. He said he felt like a pervert, he thought the sub was one too, they weren't doing anything but just standing around watching the cheerleaders so he and friend left. He felt like he was being disrespectful and didn't want to be. He made me laugh but I was proud to know he had respect for females and not to act on things, even if he thought it.

I have two older brothers and they were never that over protective of me. I feel bad for baby girl cause she not only has a dad but a big brother protecting her. Baby girl is a girlie girl, so unlike me, at least not that I remember. She loves Disney Princesses and Barbie and at first I was determined for her not to like that crap. I hated the idea of her falling into the Princess crap, being helpless waiting for her Prince charming but then I realized I shouldn't push my ideologies on her yet. She loved baby dolls since she was 9 months old, pretending to breast feed her toys. She is drawn to glittery stuff, pink stuff, but she also loves the color blue. She chooses her clothes, she brushes her hair, she hates being dirty, whenever she comes in from anywhere she goes into the bathroom to wash her hands.

I want my kids to be themselves, without me telling them what to be. I want to give them all the tools to be the best people they can be, yet not to short change themselves by taking the easy way out. Sometimes I fear without experiencing hardship and want they will not be grateful of everything they do have. However I realize we can't compare our lives to theirs, just like i can't compare my life from my parents. Different circumstance and time, unless you live through it you can not understand. So be it I will try and parent without too much judgement and no "when I was your age" stories although I may have slipped up on both. So I will try and let them be their own individuals with support and understanding to the best of my abilities. I will slip up as I have, I will push them in directions that may have been my own but in the end I will give them the tools and confidence to become the very best they can be to be happy. That's what matters in the end, loving and believing in themselves.

Trapped

Stagnant was the day, everything encompassed within felt bleak and dreary, it was very clear her life ended here. There was no real pain but numbness, a dulling weight that dragged her deep within herself. It was the scorching pain she once knew, at least she could deal with that pain but this was unlike anything else she could understand or know how to handle. All she knew was that it wasn’t so bad why did she feel this way, why couldn’t she lift herself from this. She had always struggled in the past, regardless of how bad things got she was able to push herself through. Now looking back she didn’t know how she did it but she did, after all she came this far. Now she was stuck, unable to free herself because she did not know what it was that held her. Whatever strength she may have held before was drained, empty and gone….so far gone now. It shouldn’t be this way but it was.

Looking back it would seem there was no such thing as bleakness or resentment but it became very clear to her she felt it. It wasn’t to anyone but for her self, her lack of drive, passion and joy. There was no one to blame and so she accepted it however it didn’t make things better. That’s all she wanted, to feel ok. Yet she wasn’t able to hold on that feeling, yes she did feel ok even great some days but then as soon as it came it left but worse left her lifeless, bleak, numb. It hurt her in ways she was unable to explain, she didn’t want to feel this way but she had no control over it, just like everything else in her life. But one would think one could control their feeling, emotions but hers was so far from that…it was easier to control other people’s emotions and feelings. She always felt good because she could make others feel better, even though she wasn’t able to make herself feel ok she was able to make others feel good…that made her feel ok. But that now slipped far away too after all she was alone at home with her baby. It didn’t make sense why she felt so trapped.

Simple

I tend on to hold onto things from the past, dreaming of the future and not live in present. It' saddens me because I realize I do not like today, I'm always waiting for tomorrow to happen, when I believe things will get better. Before I know it times has past and I don't remember living it because I haven't. I have let hours, days, years slip past my fingers trying to be something else, to improve, to be better. But I only see the shadow of my former self, the hopes, dreams and energy of youth are far gone. Physically I have changed wrinkles, aged, gained weight, I lack the luster and hope of youth. .I'am weathered and beaten far before my years. I do not recognize this person I’ am, if it weren't for the pictures of my former self I would find it hard to believe I was ever young, hopeful or bright.

But I do not hate myself as I did in my former years, I accept who I'm although now I wonder if acceptance is better. I do not know whether just by the extremes I had lived in my younger years I have aged so or have I lost all ability to hope and dream. I'm only 35 going on 36 years but I feel like I'm in my sixties, I feel much older than I'm supposed to be. I do not like this new self, the shell that is although I do not wish to go back to the recklessness of my yester years.

They say youth is wasted on the young but with age I notice we become bitter, scarred from our battles, the enthusiasm of youth, the novelty far gone. I don't know if I would trade all the knowledge in the world because with this we lose our wonder, delight and awe of the simpler things in life. Things become more complicated, nothing is right or wrong, there are always different perspectives and view points, nothing is black and white, good or evil but all different shades of grey.

I miss the simpler times, I wish for the desire and fire to be within myself but all that is left are ashes. Cold and grey, it is empty.

Sleep

I haven't been able to sleep, well less than usual but this time because my mind has been "on". You know the constant thoughts and ideas that go on in your head even when you want to turn it off to sleep. But no sleep just more ideas and thoughts..I can hear the rusty gears slowly cranking in motion, evidently the little bit of reading I accomplished has set the gears in motion. Good grief what did I start? I mean it's good I'm using my mind a bit more but I need sleep, ok I haven't had good restful sleep in awhile but sleep neverless. So last night I fell asleep at a decent hour 1145, but I woke up from a dream and I couldn't get back to sleep.

I had so many things I wanted to write about, but today nothing..blah..my mind is a black hole. All that kept me awake has slipped into the dark pit and I have no recollection of what kept me awake all night! Old age, brain fart, or motherhood, not cool. I thought maybe if I wrote it all down I would be able to sleep tonight, maybe I need to get up and write it all down while it’s still fresh in my mind.

Reading

I used to love reading spending days enamoured with a book until I consumed the last pages. I could not have enough because it let me escape, to live another life, to feel, experience in some one elses life escaping my own. It has been years since I have read with such fervor and relish as I did as a child, but I long to hold that enchantment and escape. I miss the connection however abstract with the books I read. I miss it all, to widen my world even though I'm chained into my own reality. The escape I have needed I have sought in books, as before. I started reading Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, for some reason I had never read this book but heard of it so often I found it online. I finished it half an hour ago and even though it did not enrapture me as other books it gave me thought and reflection. I led me away from my own dreary life to another time, another life, to step outside of my own pitiful complaints and boredom. I finished the book in two days, reading, devouring the book with such hunger for I had been famished for mental intellect.

The greatest joys I 've had were of learning of things new and different, school brought time joy although the testing always turned me off the learning always lite a fire of curiosity and pleasure for me. It is refreshing to know that I'm still enlightened and fulfilled by my mind, I feel refreshed and curious to learn, I feel a little light has shinned into my deep dark cave leading me to the light I so desperately sought. I feel hope, and I'm not completely lost..the insanity has either completely taken over or the fog has lifted for today. Regardless I feel a bit more of my old self, I need to challenge my mind and seek out my yearning of learning new things.