some past thoughts...

I wrote this last year a few months after my father passed away, I was hurt and angry but more so disappointed in my family, my father's siblings.


Tradition of Ignorance...

With the recent death of my father I have been forced to face the truth of Korean traditions, beliefs and culture. It is something I ‘m not proud of or want to have any connection with, I see the hypocrisy and the mistreatment of woman. I know Korea is a patriarchal society however I did not really grasp the reality of how ignorant and one sided there beliefs are. I know daughters were considered as nothing but liabilities, not a real family member once they were married however I did not realize I would receive such treatment from my family. Having lived in the United States most of my entire life I was raised traditionally and felt proud of my heritage and upbringing as I grew older. However these last few months have shown me the ugly truth about my family but more so of the culture I once revered and felt proud of. It is actually sad and disappointing to have to admit to myself that what I once believed to be true was false, very far from the tight knit caring family I was believed to be from. I guess in many ways I fooled myself because why would I have grown up so insecure and unsure of myself, not valuing myself, hating myself. I wanted to believe my childhood didn’t affect me as much as it did, that I could change on my own, that if I didn’t focus on the past that I could try to understand the past without blame, after all who is perfect. I believed I could change myself that I was responsible of the person I was, to be but I denied the depth in which my childhood affected the person I ‘am today.
Fortunately I ‘am not the self hating, self destructive girl I used to be, however I did not come unscathed nor had I healed and dealt with all my demons. I realize the demons are now coming out to be addressed and that I cannot solve it all by myself anymore, that I do not have control over things like I wished to be. The “problems” I had in the past were what I believed to be of my own doing, my own making, bad choices and decisions I made on my own and things I handled on my own. I had handled these problems on my own since high school, probably longer than that but ones that really changed me. I was scared to go to my parents for help, I feared them, wanted so badly for their approval but never seemed to achieve it. So it was better to stay under the radar, because doing otherwise would cause the wrath of my parents. My entire life my memories are only filled with living with other extended family members, never having anything to myself let alone my parents’ attention. My entire life consisted of watching others moods and emotions, by this I could act on how others felt. I had always put my own self second, that I was not as important, that others needs were more important that mine after no one else told me different nor ever put me first. Even though I had both of my parents I never had their protection, their emotional support, they were never there for me. So I relied on myself from a young age, to clean up my own mess, to take care of whatever I could without them knowing. I became very good at handling everything on my own, it was scary however I did not have a choice. It’s funny now when I think about how strong and independent I was however until now I didn’t realize it. I had neither self confidence nor belief in myself although now I realize I kicked ass. It’s sad that I had to grow up hating myself and abusing myself in the ways I did. One thing for sure I do not want my kids to repeat the same cycle I came from, I realize that the greatest thing I can do in this life is to raise my children to love themselves, to have the self confidence and security that I lacked. That pursuing my career or need to find meaning from the outside world does not compare to the reality of raising secure, confidant happy children. I have to admit it’s easier to work outside the home than be a homemaker, nor does it not have any pay or benefits nor value from society and its straight out depressing at times. However I realize all that can be a reality once kids go to school; after all it really is a limited of time when children stay babies. We stay a less than quarter of our lives as kids, it all happens so fast and so unforgiving at times. I don’t want my children or any other children to grow up feeling so lacking, so unworthy, so unsure and undervalued as I did.
I know I have depression maybe even bi-polar disorder how I believe besides being chemical I do believe how I was raised had much effect on how I ‘am today…I’ve been struggling with depression for the last three years or more, with the death of my father it has changed but I know I’m not ok. That I haven’t been ok for a long while. The good thing is that for the first time in my life since childhood I have not been drinking. I know at one time was very dependant on alcohol, that maybe at times it saved me, that it could have killed me and maybe that I tried and hoped it would. But that has changed the drinking that is. In ways for my body it is better however for my emotions I do not know, it was a way for me to cope and now I do not have any methods in coping with stress.