Who Am' I?....Daughter of Eldest Son

You would think after taking 10 years to finish my B.A. in sociology as a single mom (double psychology/soc. major but dropped the PSY...too much work) I would know what I wanted to do. Yet here I find myself "searching" for what I want to do/be once my baby girl starts school. I've been trying to convince myself that these last three and half years haven't been a waste but good for the kids. That being a mother is more important than anything else that I could possibly "be or do" and that my degree wasn't in vain because I would pursue a "career" after the kids were in school and didn't need me as much.


Yet lets be real here, life sucks...I know I shouldn't say that but it has, being a self sacrificing stay at home mom/homemaker sucks! Maybe the fact my father passed away last April from lung cancer hasn't helped and being the sole comfort for my martyr Mother doesn't make things easier. Even though I'm the youngest of three children and also the daughter has not diminished my responsibilities to my mother and extended family.

Growing up in a traditional Korean family that immigrated to California in 1978 had enough of its complications but being the youngest daughter with two older brothers did no grant me the right as princess nor to be bestowed gifts =spoiled. Instead I felt like I was the personal maid and servant of the family, not to talk back, to listen, to learn how to cook, clean, and take care of the men and the family. To be the work horse/cow that my mother had became in serving my father and his extended family. I did not realize the rigidity and profound sexism that is my family until last year when my father, the eldest son passed away.



The shock that came with my father's death was how fast he passed away, he was diagnosed lung cancer and he died in less than a month. He became that statistic, the one that dies shortly after the discovery of cancer because its always too late by the time they discovers it, unfortunately lung cancer is hard to diagnose in the earlier stages because there are no real signs or symptoms. So my beloved father became that number, making the statistic solid, but he wasn't an number. He was husband, father, grandfather, brother, uncle, and the Eldest Son.

**Insight -I started this blog thinking it was about myself but it has focused on the source of my pain and grief, the passing of my father.

I guess being the Eldest son in Korean custom holds much importance as well as responsibility in providing not only for ones own family but his extended family. My father lived his life to the full extent taking care his extended family members to the point of sacrificing the welfare of his own wife and children in process. He was a honorable man but ignorant in that he did not provide his wife and partner of 40 years with the support and love she deserved. maybe its the Korean way, maybe it's just my family I do not know but I know for most of my life I resented him for the husband he wasn't to my mother but loved him for the father he was. Even as of today I love him and miss him and yet feel anger towards him for the way he treated my mother. Especially as she says it leaving him with the burden to care for his older sister and her her husband.
Sounds strange and unheard of but its true, my mother is taking of care of my father's sister and husband while working a 40hr job as a housekeeper. Sound depressing yes...especially since my aunt is from the old school of scolding mother in laws that boss around and criticize their daughter in laws, however considering the fact my mother isn't her daughter in law makes it more so ridiculous however my mother in guilty of carrying on this morbid tradition of women suppressing each other.

**That in itself is whole other topic! Wow who knew I had so much to let out, vent, express, maybe this blog will be longer than I thought. Gotta go now and start dinner and organize my thoughts so I can write it all done later in a more comprehensible way?