2010

I can't believe 2009 has already passed and gone. So much and yet so little has happened. I guess in terms of my depression a lot has been accomplished in that I'm out of the fog and feeling "normal" again. But the reality is I have changed in so many ways, some good and some not so much for the better. In terms of worst is the relationship with my family (extended) has changed drastically. In ways I guess the catalyst was when my father died and my own realization of what I did not want to become. I did not want to become my mooter or aunt living for everyone else and then feeling hurt and angry when they realized no one else lived for them. I don't want to become a martyr nor do I want to sacrifice my kids and husband for the approval of others. These are the things my parents did to us, to themselves and it has not gotten them anywhere. Sure it is good to be kind and giving but not to the point where it hurts your own needs.

My mom has come along way in that the mourning for my father is over and now she is angry maybe even bitter thinking back into their lives...of all that she gave and how little she received from him. I know this to be true even though I love my father he was a a horrible husband...I guess maybe just maybe she hoped he was finally going to treat her right in their golden years but now that he is gone leaving behind his older sister for my mom to take care of she is angry. She tries to remember the good times but they are far and few in between, it is bitter sweet to watch her think back to the love of her life in which she realizes she has lived for a man in vain. She has not received much from him but heartache, stress, and yes three children. But even that is mostly her doing not hers.

When I think about my father I think of him as in terms of our relationship but not in terms of how he treated my mom....I can't because I will resent him for the husband he wasn't to her. It makes me grateful for my husband, how different he is from my father, how he doesn't demand to be right all the time because he is the man, how he is gentle and loving to me, how I'm his number concern even before the kids. He gives the the complete love and adoration everyone woman should receive from their husbands. The kind my mother deserved from my father. But I won't cry from spilled milk...their relationship is what it is and it give me insight in what I don't want in mine for what I don't want in my life.

So with that for this New Year I have my list of changes and needs to be accomplished.

First I need to start working again...for financial reasons and for own self worth.
Second I need to re-establish my relationships (family and friends)
Third I need to work on me (physical and mental)

Even though it's only three areas there is much work and time needed. I haven't written much since I have been busy with entertaining and visiting for the holidays. It was a bit too much but I will make sure not to over extend myself and the family next year so it can be a enjoyable and not spent running from place to place.


I have been terrible in that I haven't been to the cemetery to visit my dad or uncle but as I told my mom I didn't feel like he is there. She believes the body and spirit is one while I think the body is a vessel and the soul leaves the body. But I do feel the need to visit him...it will be his birthday Jan. 13th...wow it will be three years since he died this April. I miss him but I do not think of him daily...I can't I need to move forward.

Here is to a healthy, happy, successful New Year!

The Calm Before The Storm

It seemed like I defeated it, I had won the battle and everything was going to be ok. But that's what it does..it leaves you alone to feel sure and confident it has passed but once you let go of your defenses, letting the guard down, inhaling deeply to feel the rush of success it comes back and grabs you harder, deeper, dragging you down further into the abyss. You are faced with the triggers of pain, turmoil and fear. Things you hoped that you had left behind, the things you wanted to keep in the past, things you thought wouldn't hurt you again but that is what happens before the storm...the calm fools you into thinking everything will be ok.

The last few months have been my calm...finally feeling alive, normal not suffocated by the fog, unable to feel anything but dullness and dread but to feel the sunlight, the warmth, to hear the laughter, to feel relief and even anger. But the feelings weren't tainted by the depression, they were real and they were mine again. But the storm has brewed and is trying to drag me under again. I don't want it to take over but I feel the darkness, the anger, pain and fears. I want to cry, explode and hide all at the same time. My triggers of the past has traumatized me far more than I realized. It's funny to be able to label my symptoms, to recognize what my problem however to fix it is another story.

A week and and half after my father died baby girl was scheduled to get her teeth fixed. She was born with little to no enamel on her baby teeth and even though she was breastfeed exclusively till her second birthday her teeth were decayed and she was unable to eat anything due to the sensitivity and pain. At 18 months we had taken her to a pediatric dentist who had ripped out her front four teeth without any anaesthetic. I was horrified to say the least as I sat in the back seat trying to comfort her as her gums bleed. I held back my tears, wiping her tears trying to comfort all awhile holding in my angry at the so called pediatric dentist. There was no way I was coming to get the rest of the work done. I guess I should have realized how shitty the place was the first time when they forced her down and clamped her mouth shut to get the x-rays. Even that day she was sacred to death calling for me wanting her "mamas", my breasts her comfort. But our crappy HMO only covered this dentist that was in another town from us. But we went to another pediatric dentist in town even if we had to pay on our own.

She needed to be put to sleep because she needed extensive work, she needed caps on all her molars and spacers on the top for when her permanent teeth came in. Just the anesthetic would start at $500 requiring the full deposit since it was actually Dr who cam to do that part. It took over two and half hours...but more than that I was in shock due to my father's death a week and half earlier.

Baby girl was in deep fear of anyone is scrubs and cried and held me tighter to her...the anesthesiologist came from behind and gave her a shot in her arm to make her fall asleep. She was out within min. and he carried her to the room. We waited feeling relieved that we didn't hear her screams this time. She laid in my arms as she woke still scared but little did we know this was only the beginning of the nightmare.

We went home and as she laid in my arms she fell asleep...half an hour later she jolted up crying, screaming, her eyes were open with a glazed look. Even though I held her she couldn't see me but kept on screaming and crying. She was still sleeping but awake...she was having night terrors. We tired to wake her, put cold water on her feet but she would keep screaming and crying and then suddenly stop. This went on every time she fell asleep. So she was unable to completely fall asleep. I looked online and found that after being put to sleep this happened to some other kids but there was not much on it. I told her dentist but they looked at me like I was crazy. Why is that every time you tell doctors about something that is happening they look at you as if your are lying.

She went through a week and half of this..we all had no sleep we were exhausted to say the least, I hadn't had much sleep since she was born because she slept with us and I had let her feed on demand. So sleep was a stranger to me but night time, sleep became a fear to me. What made the night terrors stop was her next visit to the dentist when they would put in her spacers. Naturally she was scared to death and cried as they sat her down, she didn't want to open her mouth, she started screaming and crying so the dentist needed four other assistant to hold her down so she could put the spacer in. I think the inability for baby girl to scream and express her fears when she was put to sleep made her have the night terrors but when she was able to fight, scream for her life she stopped having the night terrors. That night she finally fell asleep without waking up, we were finally able to sleep.

Since her visit to the dentist she had extreme fear of all doctors and anyone in scrubs. I guess it didn't help that she was with me in the hospital when my dad was in there. She has far too much exposure to the hospital and death at such a young age. She watched me trying to feed my dad, imitating me telling him to eat. She would repeat the same words, brushing away my tears looking up at me trying to comfort me. So her fear of anyone in scrubs was natural, but every visit to the doctors office was hell for me...she would start to shake, sweat and then cry. You could see the fear in her little face...I would start to sweat and feel nauseous. I hated going to the doctor..luckily she didn't required many trips to the doctors or dentist. We skipped the annual cleanings to the dentist and because I could not go in there with out sweating and feeling sick to my own stomach.

I noticed her gums would swell and bleed, the gums around her capped molars..it worried me cause I thought they were rotting inside and she would need to go to the dentist again. The hubby took her for a check up and they said it looked fine..she was scared but they went slowly, it had been over a year since the battle with the spacer and she came along with us on our dental appointments. I guess the fact she was able to express herself in words helped because slowly her fear was going away. But I didn't go with her, I couldn't so hubby would take her and I would take her to medical check ups.

We changed from HMO to PPO even though we had to pay an extra $100 every month because the HMO did not have our dentist. I had thought baby girl would need more work on her teeth from the swelling of her gums but the dentist didn't say anything nor did the hubby mention anything to the dentist. I guess I should have gone because he doesn't ask much. Her last visit to the dentist was very successful, they were able to clean her teeth with the polisher and even take x-rays. But her x-rays showed her permanent molars were coming up in angle against her baby molars. The dentist said she never saw anything like it. It also looked like she was missing a pair of molars but she had to come back when her regular dentist was there.

I guess I had really hoped she would not have anymore issues with her teeth even though I saw the swollen gums. Her next visit confirmed my fears and worst. Her jaw bones were not growing and were thin besides the permanent molars coming in crooked. The stranger part was she was having gum loss around the molars, something they had never seen in someone her age. So we were referred to the oral surgeon because even though they could extract her molars they wanted a biopsy of her gums to see what the problem was. Yes here was our storm, my fear came true but far more than I thought.

When you are told there is something wrong with your child you feel guilty. Even though you may have not had any control over it you feel like it is your fault. Even though she was born without any enamel on her teeth the dentist looked at me like it was my fault. Like I was giving her juice or candy every day without brushing. So every day I feel like I'm judged as a horrible parent because my child has metal caps in her mouth and missing teeth. They had told me that sometimes it just happens that the bay teeth does not form correctly but the permanent teeth would be fine. But now they were telling me her jaw one wasn't growing properly, that she was missing permanent teeth and worse yet she was having gums issues.

Shit I should have taken my pre-natal vitamins even though I felt sick from taking them, maybe that is why I had caused this on her. But my mom never took any and we had no issues with our teeth. So many different things have run through my head, I looked up any genetic disorders with teeth issues but found nothing. So even logically I know it isn't my fault I feel that I'm responsible.

The oral surgeon confirmed what I thought maybe the cause of Baby girls teeth problems, she was allergic to caps. That is why her gums and jaw bones were not growing in the areas of the capped molars. So the solution was to remove the caps/molars before they did anymore damage to her permanent teeth. She would need braces later but the main concern now was to get rid of the caps.

Yes that would mean no molars for her to chew with, it didn't make things easier that she already had her front top teeth pulled so she can't bit into anything nor chew hard, tough things. "I've never seen a toothless person starve", that is what the oral surgeon said when she asked how would she eat. It would be bothersome but she wasn't going to starve as he said. Her permanent molar was already coming in so hopefully all her teeth would come in sooner than later. Till then I will have to cut everything up for her.

I started this post because since her appointment with the oral surgeon I have felt the fear, anxiety and bad memories flood back. Even that day at the appointment I felt uneasy and nervous...I started sweating. I realize all the negativity and pain associated with her dental issues has been tied with my father's death. So I'm relieving the pain again...I feel the anxiety and fear. I'm scared even though it will be fine..I feel irritated and sad at the same time. So I had to write out my fears of what is going on in my mind. To make things worst for her this Friday was her class Thanksgiving party since this is the last week of school before break. Yes the budget cuts effected schools to close for a entire week for Thanksgiving instead of a few days. So besides getting her teeth removed she will miss her class party. I wanted to reschedule but I know it's better to get it over with then wait. So instead today we will make rainbow cupcakes for her class to share with tomorrow.


This is my storm, one that reaches deep within that grips my deepest fears and pain. One where I cannot control the pain of my child, where I'am left feeling helpless and useless. So I have been frozen in fear, in anguish unable to tell anyone of my fears. Trying to think positive, wishing the days would fly by and it would all be over and she was healing. That we were both healing and that the pain would scab over and the wound underneath would grow back stronger with the scar. I don't think the scar would ever fade but at least it would cover that hole. I want to move forward, I don't want to be frozen in fear, living in dread. I hope for the best and do not want the worst.

To Feel Again.

It is amazing how things look and feel when your head is out of the fog, when the feeling of numbness wrapped in pain releases its grip on you. You feel alive again, you feel the pain but more than that you are unsatisfied to the point in which you want out of it. That is the difference in that you take active steps to move away from what makes you feel pain, discomfort and distraught. You do not just sit in your pain, numb unable to move forward or back but indifferent not really feeling. Maybe it is way to survive to be so numb that you do not feel the pain that is so deep that it may just kill you. You long to feel the pain, to relish in it because that means you are alive but you don't only to going through the motions.

So I have escaped this thing called depression, I feel alive again. I feel again, joy, sadness, anger, regret but I feel in which I have not in years. The sadness and sorrow that fills me whenever I think of my father is ok....I can accept it I'm moving forward. I miss him dearly and I always will but life must go on. I look at myself and can't believe how much I have changed yet I'm still here. I will be ok and god forbid I may go through this again but I know I will come out of it.

The laughter come deep from within, it comes from me, it warms me, it touches my heart and spreads throughout my body. It feels good to feel again.

Healing

After a really bad day I started feeling better, not perfect if there is such a thing but good. I want to feel good and I feel it, not just a phase but I feel me wanting to come out and live life again. I wish I can say the battle is over but it is not, it maybe never be and this will be something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. But I'm ok with that, I don't expect every day to be full of roses and sunshine but I just want a reason to go on, to live, a desire. So the passion has come back but I can not say a part of me is afraid that it maybe a false hope, that it maybe the ugly cycle of being bi-polar but maybe just maybe it's not and I'm healing. I can not even know if I'm bi-polar or it is just clinical depression I had, from PPD to mourning the lose of my father..regardless it has left me lifeless and pathetic. But I don't want that to be my life, I don't want those to be the memories for my children of me.

But more than that I don't want this to be my legacy that I pass down to my children, I want so much more for them, I hope that whatever influences I have had on them will not dictate how they live their lives...that they would over come this obstacle in their lives. I guess more than anything I fear that I have damaged them and they can not change. That I have failed them as their mother and cannot guide them into this world with all the love, wisdom and support I could have given them. I regret but I'm hopeful that I'am emerging from this dark pit into the light and I will feel the warmth throughout my body releasing my soul to heal. To feel the warmth, to see the brightness and hear the words. To guide me back not to the old me but the new me who knows will embrace the changes and miles that has taken to get to this new place. The tears, pain, anguish and guilt within my soul as a badge that will guide me to my new life.

I move forward and I know I will falter, fall and slip but that wont stop me...I will keep moving on.

Week 2

Baby girl loves school, she tells me every day when I pick her up. However every morning she is reluctant to go inside the play yard and insists I stay by the gate. After the second day of school the school wanted parents to drop kids off at the gate and not go into the school yard. So instead of walking her to her class or to her teacher I stand and wait by the gate but she like a few other

1st Day of Kindergarten.

Today is baby girl's first day of kindergarten and even though I couldn't wait till she started I'am sad. I guess it's bitter sweet since it's an end of a era, end of her needing me so much awhile I felt so suffocated. I'm guilty of wanting my own life, my freedom knowing well enough the day would come where I would feel sad when she left my side. Finally the day has arrived, today is that day of my freedom from her constant where are you mommy, I love you mommy, mommy mommy...all the sounds I dreaded as the replayed over and over. And now I'm left feeling empty and sad...feeling guilty and sad. Silly and stupid..but then I cried even when I took my oldest to school. Guess it's a tradition for me.

Her eyes filled up with tears, as her little face became red and distressed knowing I would leave. She kept on saying please dont leave me mama, please stay....I swallowed back the lump in my throat..not wanting her to see my eyes tear up. The teacher saw she was distressed and asked her to sit by her. And I walked away...she looked at me and I smiled and turned away.

Yes a new era has started, I have my life back but I just realized she is my life.

In a Rut

Baby girl is sleeping, boy has been in his room and here we sit in the livin groom in our repsective areas on the computer. The tv is on for background noise but no one is watching it. It's friday night and this is our life every day. I dont know how it got this way but here it is.

I guess this is how they say married people get in a rut...a painful and ugly truth. I guess it's bettter than us fighting or having conflict but then is it? I mean I know what can I expect before he met me he spent his time on the computer playing Everquest. I brought on the excitment, the ideas to do things, to live life but since I'm no longer functioning like a normal human being here we sit.

I envy other people going out doing things..I used to go out and do things...I used to live life...but now here I'am. This is my life...where the fuck did my life go?

Self

Pictures they say can capture a soul..a look can be held forever in time. So what the fuck does the ones that hold the images of my fat self say for my soul. What does it hold but say I'm a bit obese and embarrassed and I'm trying to smile even though I'm screaming get the fuck outta my face!


So I regress and I'm judging myself purely on how I look...fat..rolls...lumps..no lovely lady lumps...just rolls and more rolls. So I'm disgusted to the point of what will I do...something has to be done...drastically. OK maybe if i had enough balls to get a knife and cut them off I would..but ok back to reality not going to happen. So I wish I could magically go to sleep and wake up voila I'm thin again. This is a bad horrendous nightmare and I'm normal again. It's not wanting to be thin but normal...my normal. Where I can fit into my regular clothes...no I'm not wanting the hard body of a 20 yr old but the old me.

But I'm so afraid she is gone...like forever and this is the real me. Large, lumpy and so unhappy. How I wish for the day when I thought being 127 pds was heavy..that I'd work out to get in shape...that seems sooo long ago..something so unattainable. I have no control and I accept it..I haven't been in control forever. But I'm tired of this foreign body...I feel like I'm wearing one of those fat suits...and that underneath is the old me. I never thought I would ever get this big...I would freak out even when I was a little heavier than my normal weight..hiding in larger clothes...so what happens when the large clothes stop fitting me. What happens when medium is my normal size. But I'm not a medium anything...I'm a large 5'2 petite woman although large and petite seem like a oxymoron...like jumbo shrimp. Shit I found my word..I'm a jumbo shrimp.....ok I made myself laugh because it's funny as hell as pathetic as it all sounds and is.

Yeah, yeah fat ass drop the fork and go for a run..stop your bitching and get a grip...it's your freaking life and make it happen. But you know what it can't and it hasn't. I have become another statistic..the over weight American. Yes one of the fat pigs that super size everything and complain about everything. Do I need an ass kicking...yes I do. I need to stop the bitching and get into motion...literally and psychologically. I've been in this mental rut for too long.


I'am really tired of my fat, depressed, bitchy self! I need to get my shit together now before I ruin what's really right in my life.

Changes

Every day I wait hoping for tomorrow to hurry up yet it's not because I have anything planned or there is something special happening. And at the same time I look back and see how fast these last 5 years have gone by and I'm saddened by how fast I let it all slip away..wasting precious time I will never get back. Time with the kids...years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds that are gone and never brought back. Living in a fog, in dread, anger, pain and regret unable to enjoy the joy that surrounds me every day. Yes I'm already regretting, missing the sweet baby years, the curious toddler years, the anxious preteens.

My babies are growning...she is leaving for kindergarten next week and even though I eagerly awaited this date...my escape from domestic motherhood (prison) I feel a sadness and miss her already. Sure I swore and wished for this day to come, couldn't wait to get my life back but did I just miss out on the best years of my life....did I not even realize these are the days I will long for when I'm old, wrinkled and gray. When she would eagerly seek me, need me, even after a fit of tears she would come back to the reassurance of my arms. And yet I feel a relief yet empty since my role in motherhood has changed. Like when she was finally weened off the boob, it was such freedom yet I felt so sad that she would not need me to comfort her, that I was the only one who could calm her, reassure her. Sure at times it felt like a living hell but I knew it was for her good, I guess in ways that is parenthood..so damn painful and so necessary. I guess no pain no gain holds some truth to it.

She is officially 5 years old today and even though she looks the same she isn't...I measured her and she has grown at inch and half since the last time. She told me what she wanted for her birthday party..a jumper and silly string and pinta just like her cousin. She wanted Ariel on her birthday cake...sure we let her pick out the cake before but this year it was different she knew what she wanted and she asked ahead of time. Her party was the best ever she said..probably cause she will remember it.

Finally here is the change I awaited and yet I still feel the same...just a bit sad and regretful but haven't I felt this all along. I keep waiting for tomorrow to live my life and yet I have wasted the life I'm living now. Am'I cheating myself but more importantly my family of not being here.

I look a myself and I do not like the person I have become..I realize this is me, there isn't the old me in here but this is who I'am. I need to stop searching for what I thought was me..because even those times I was still searching for the person I used to or wanted to be. Why can't I ever just be happy with me and the right now. I know change is important but more so a fact of life yet why is it that I can not, have not ever been happy with who I'am. I guess the reality is that I have never liked me at the right now..it was always an idea of what I wanted to be or what I thought I was but when I actually look back at myself I was miserable, unsatisfied, searching for a better me even then.

This isn't saying that I'm accepting the bigger than life version of me cause really I can't stand being this big...I see myself but I don't see me..it's weird back when I was skinny as hell I always looked fat but now when I see myself I don't feel that big until I see some picture of myself. Holy shit I'm huge...so I guess I'm in denial and not having a full length mirror helps. Even thought I wear huge clothes, it still doesn't hit me till the pictures. I know it's goning to take work to take off all this fat, unlike ever before but you know it doesn't help matters to be hormonal. I'm feeling a bit crazy, emotional and sorry for myself blahs...I wish the stupid period would hurry up and start. I need to either start losing weight or just accept this is me and start buying clothes to flatter the fat!

Please excuse the writing (lack of grammer, spelling, sentence structure etc). I write this as it comes out, vomit.

It has been a long time since I wrote but I really had nothing to write about. Life has gone by and it has been the same thing, only the physical date changes but I'm frozen in time. I have not changed, I have not lost weight, I have not gone to a doctor, dentist...I'm afloat in my vast sea of despair. But it's not in turmoil of waves or a storm but alone far from any land. I have no paddle, just floating along, no sharks in sight, no rescue ships either, no search planes...nothing but myself helpless yet not in deep despair. I survive, the days go by but I do not live. One can't live while floating alone in the vast deep ocean. The days all seem the same, they are the same, repetition and yet deep down I'm drowning in my own self. I scream but nothing comes out of my mouth...I reach out so I can help myself but I only push myself in deeper. I watch myself drowning in my own emptiness and I don't care.

I never imagined myself as an adult I always thought I would die at a young age and the thought of death never scared me. It still doesn't..yes I'm a coward because I don't care because I have seemed to have lived my entire life to receive approval from my family. The few times I tried to do what I believed I wanted failed so miserably, so the last 15 years I have tired to live for what I knew was the "right way". But with it comes the realization that I'm gone...that I hate myself for not following what I wanted in my life. I say my life so easily yet it really isn't my own. I don't know if it has to do with being Korean female or is it my own disfunctional family but wanting nothing more than their approval, acceptance from people who can't. I have given up my own dreams and self and here I "live" this life I do not want. I have faced the truth and it is clear that I was so damn busy trying to win approval to be accepted that here I live a life I do not want. I'm so miserable because being a good housewife, mother, daughter is not what I want. I wanted to travel, to see the world, I did not want to be tied down to a house, a mortgage, the perfect subrbabn housewife. I wanted so much more, as my life quickly passes me by I'am bound in chains of my own making to a life I do not want. I look into lives of others envious and in awe of how they live their lives as they wanted, not bound by chains or tradition but by their own desires. I'm trapped into this life by own making suffering in regret and anger at myself for not following my own dream. I'm that little girl who so desperately wants approval and acceptance but regardless of what I do it will never happen since I was not born a boy. It does not matter that I sacrifice my own life as well as my own family I will never be accepted the way I should. I have taken on the roles of husband, son while only a daughter.

I'm bitter, but more so angry at myself for doing things that aren't asked of me yet feeling hopeless since I'm the only one willing to do it all. I can't complain since I did it on my own...I'm disgusted by customs, by the blindness of the older generation of their love of their sons and burden of their daughters. Yet it is the daughter that has done everything and yet I do not hear any good from it...mere words do not the change the fact when the son does appear once and their is joy and pride in my mother's eyes. One day of small work brings praise and poor thing must be tired...yet the endless hours, days, weekends, months of work from their son-in-law does not bring in such joy or pride. Yes it makes me angry and disgusted at the favoritism that is so obvious, I hate that I have even started this and I wish I could turn my back and be the stranger that daughters are to be. Not to get involved but watch from far away...let her son's take care of her needs, but here I have attached myself even more so to her. Her needless nagging and complaining, nothing ever being good enough. I hate myself looking for her approval, being careful of how things are done cause I look at things in her eyes...looking for the mistakes. I'am her, the constant correcting, complaining, never grateful but self sacrificing yet so bitter woman.

I hate myself for what I have become, not just for the fat, but the person inside. The person I have lost, the laughter, the one living life, not shuttered inside her own home, the one with many friends, the one who loved doing things, being out doors not a prisoner of my own making. I'm screaming, trying to claw out of my own padded room. But I do not let her out, I hold the key yet I cannot turn it to free myself.

So in the vast, empty sea I float alone screaming to get off yet no one is around to hear me let alone myself. I'm pitiful and sad because I do not have the balls to free myself.