feeling shitty....

I hate HATE feeling this way...that weird antsy crazy feeling within yourself where you feel like crawling out of your skin. The crazy intensity and buzzing that comes with it...I hate it. I feel crazy, literally when I feel this way, my head hurts, I feel shaky, nauseous and tense all at once. I don't always feel this way, but when I feel this way I can't sleep, I feel like I'm amped. Is this the manic part in the being bi-polar, I have no fucking idea although I know it comes when I'm extremely stressed out. I'm stressed out, sometimes I think I actually do my best in stress, I get so much done, constantly going but once I stop I'm exhausted. I feel exhausted alot now, I go from days of doing nothing literally, so damn tired and then go for days with constant activity and doing stuff. I feel the best when I'm doing stuff non stop, it keeps my mind off of stuff. It makes me feel like I'm getting things accomplished but I hate feeling exhausted, so damn tired and the aches I feel in my shoulders, neck. I still have that damn burning sensation in the deep of my shoulder between the shoulder blades...it sucks.
My daughter is crying right now and I want to smack her, I put he rout on corner time because she was playing her usual I want this... and once I serve it "no I don't want it" I've had it being her personal servant, I've had it with all the whinnying and demands. Shit what about my demands?! What about my needs....what about my time and space without eyes peering at my while I'm taking a dump, the constant demands and wants that I have to fulfill to every one but me!

What happened to me....why is it that I feel like I'm being sucked into a black hole where I will never find myself, only being ripped into pieces by everyone needs and demands. I want out.
I want out of this insanity, this constant need to satisfy everyone else's needs, to feel that my worth is equated with what I do for others. Although even then I do not feel that is recognized but taken for granted, expected while my brother's do not do anything but are constantly dotted on and revered, I'm tired of being the freaking korean daughter. Fuck them all, they can go to hell with their freaking traditions, their patriarchal society, their freaking name sake, tradition and family line...fuck them all. I don't give a fuck anymore, I'm tired of destroying myself to compete in a world where I'm no one, where all I do does not mean much but only is taken for granted. Fuck the extended family, fuck stretching and taxing myself for others while I and my own family suffer.
I realize I'm following in my own sick parents step in putting others needs before my own kids and spouse. I did not realize ow sick they really were until my my told me:you should tell your aunt so they don't blame you." Huh? WTF! This is regarding the delay in cremation of my uncle because he had radiation pellets put into his prostate because he had prostate cancer. He had bought a policy from the Neptune society for himself and my aunt last year. It was supposed to be so easy and simple but it turned into some drama. It turned out he was radioactive so they could not cremate him, it was illegal. So we had to track down his doctor, or someone who would take it out of him. Luckily it was pretty painless...although he died August 12 and he barely got cremated yesterday I believe. The conversation with my mother occurred when I called to find out when his ashes would return back to Santa Barbara because his body was in L.A. where their facility was. The guy he will call and find out (this is two week) then he calls to tell me they can't cremate him cause his body is still registering for radioactivity! Shit so they will return his body again and the pathologist at the hospital will remove whatever else is registering and scan it before they send him down again. I told my mom since she wanted to know when his ashes would be ready. This is when I tell her of the complication but I told her I wont tell aunt since I don't think she needs to know about the latest problem. This is where she says I should tell her so I wont get blamed. HUh??? WTF really how in the hell is it my fault that they can't cremate his body because of radioactivity? Because I'm god?Because I'm the messenger, the one who has do the dirty work and deal with the stress??? I don't get it...why are korean women so freaking lame. Just her thought process tripped me out.

I'm spewing cause she called me to see whats going on...and her comments and statements annoy the fuck out of me. SHe drives me nuts with her constant bitching, comments (stuff to make me a better person) her constant belittling, correcting, And I'm the bad one when I stick up for myself or my kids. Fuck her and her pathetic martyr attitude while she is killing me and making me fucken suffer so she can look good. I 've had it with my family...I've had it with my fucked up upbringing. Her constant dotting and love for her precious son's even those bastard don't do a damn thing for her, only to avoid her yet I'm the fucked up one. Fuck her and my family, they suck!