On a lighter note.....so I thought

I have walked/jogged over 39 miles since I received my tread mill for mother's day. I have to say I feel much better too but I knew I would so it really isn't a surprise but a relief. I know, why don't I just go outside and take a walk but the fact is I do not want to see anyone, I do not want to offer greetings nor smile. Because I'm depressed damn it, unlike the "real" me who is warm, bubbly and social I'm withdrawn, cold and unsociable, yes totally opposite of who I'm in normal times. We have lived in our new house coming this September for three years however I do not know my neighbors nor do I care too, when we first moved in we said hello and exchanged names, it's a new development built for young families, a community in itself. It is a great place for families and for walking but I just haven't been in the state of mind to enjoy it.

Depression is a sad state, really how lame is it that you cannot experience joy, only to feel flat, anxious and worst of all not wanting to get up in the morning. All shitty and not something one chooses to live in, but it happens for one reason or another, having family members who've experienced depression increases ones chances of developing depression, so it sucks....this is one legacy I don't want to pass on to my kids! So I'm struggling to get better, without the drugs without the "medical professionals" help...I know the ways in which I can get better because I have experienced depression many times before. I had enrolled back into college to better myself, especially since I wanted more for my son, this is how I saved myself and also learned how I had post partum depression and healed myself. It isn't a coincidence my current bout with depression started with my pregnancy with my daughter and has lasted longer with the death of my father. So yes I know all the contributing factors that led to my current state of being and I'm trying to come back. I'm sure for those who have never experienced depression may find it hard to understand how one can in such a state of funk, my husband is one of those people.

But he loves me so he blindly accepts what I do, in ways he has enabled my state of depression, never demanding that I stop being depressed, to get out of my funk, to get out of the house and move. He works, supports us financially, and he also goes out to run errands that I do not want too. He doesn't demand that I do them, he lets me be...so the first time in my life I'm able to live this way, inside of my house, not having to leave it, because he can do the things outside. Don't get me wrong I cook, clean and do the laundry, I take care of my family. I'm one of those depressed people who function, I do not just lay in my bed, I wish I could but I can not, I have a three year old who depends on me, I have a widowed mother who depends on me. So I'm there for everyone but myself, I function for others. I do leave the house every other week to drive 60 miles up to my mother's house where we do her yard work, fix up her aging house and where I pick up hers bills to pay. I do all the things I'm supposed to do, I do our financials, I have budgeted, skimped and saved so we can live on my husbands income. Even though I did not make lots of money however my departure from employment to a SAHM costs us 2k less a month after taxes. So it has been more than a adjustment in many ways.

So I struggle to keep my sanity and raise happy well rounded children while trying to save my mother from her own depression. So I walk on my new tread mill hopefully walking away this shitty state of depression. Gotta wear my running shoes, I have been walking/jogging bare foot, bad idea I have high arches so now I have been getting feet and ankle pain. But I've just washed my running shoes to use on my tread mill, can't wear dirty shoes inside the house so hopefully the pain will go away.

I tried to write something on the lighter note, oh well maybe next time.