Music

I have forgotten how much I love music, they way it sooths me, the way the words express what is in my soul. It seems I had lost all aspects of my being including the emotions I feel from music. Currently I'm listening to my collection of music on my laptop and can't understand why I didn't turn on the volume and push play. Yes I'm enjoying music again...I feel alive, I feel happy. Listening to the music I want to dance, my body moves, I sway, my legs tap...I'm singing.

Being depressed really did suck out every aspect of my life. It seems strange but your are a prisoner in your own body, where you cannot control the deep darkness that grabs a hold of you, the energy and life leaves you deflated and hopeless. But you know you shouldn't feel this way but no matter how hard you try to pull yourself out of the darkness its useless. It is a scary place to be full of uncertainty and pain. You feel pathetic for feeling this way but you cannot change it...you do try but it doesn't go away only when it is ready to. I don't know if my grief ran its natural course or its the vitamins I'm taking but I'm back. I don't want to say all is well but I've felt happy, real joy and I laughed. It's been slow but this entire week I've felt happiness....yes real happiness where I feel it through out my entire body. Something I haven't felt in a very long time. I'm happy.

One step at a time

Sometimes we need to take a break away from ourselves to stop spending precious time over analyzing every thought, word, action and reaction. Not everything has a deeper meaning, sometimes things are as they are...simple and direct. It's been a long while since I have been able to focus and see the days for what they were, without living in dread, fear, and confusion. It seems like the fog has lifted but I know it lingers listlessly waiting to envelope me in its restlessness and confusing haze. But as of right now I've escaped its grasps. I know I will never completely be free of it but I know to keep ahead of it I must live in the moment. I must not look back to see why its there but move forward with my day. Yes I feel ok, even good although I fear saying those words will jinx my progress, the painful slow steps in which I have overcome it. It's a race in which I have to win, I have no choice because the reality is that I have too much depending on me to give into it. It has grasped me deeper and stronger than it has ever but I have won this race, at least for the time being I'm stronger than it.

I'm still a work in progress...I have been torn apart but I stand strong on my foundation which has never left me, a foundation in which I'm held tightly by love, my family. No matter how insecure and uncertain I have been it is the security and belief from them that has kept me from completely losing all sense of myself. They are the core strength and hope that keep me going even though I feel as if I have nothing left. They are the ones that depend on me, the ones that keep my light from burning out, the warmth that draws me back in even when I feel as if I have lost my way.

Enlightment

In the mist of the storm we are working under stress, being guided by emotions and adrenaline where action is necessary for survival. But the dust settles and we can take a step back and really see what is in front of us because in the momentum of we lose track of what really matters. We lose what is really important the day to day matters that face us, not the extreme answers that seemed to suffice when action was needed but today.
I had been reluctantly making decisions for my mother the last two years because she was unable to. However I can finally take that weight off my shoulders because she is stronger and she is able to take charge of her life once again. Even though I really do not want her and my aunt to live with us it was a sacrifice I was willing to make, however now I realize she may feel more comfortable with her own place. Although at this point even though I directly ask her what she wants she doesn't give me a direct answer.