Happy Birthday Dad..

Even though you are gone you are not forgotten, your legacy lives on through your children, grandchildren and all those you have touched. Words cannot express the emptiness I feel that you are no longer around, I miss you more as the days go by but I try and not think of you. It's not that I don't want to think about you but I can't because I need to live my life. I don't want to hold on to the pain, the what ifs, the regrets because that would only increase the turmoil. And I know you wouldn't want that, so instead I celebrate your life with the kids trying to invoke the wonderful memories of you.

Paul remembers you the most, how could he forget he lived 9 years with you, being loved, spoiled, fed and taken care of by his "Papa"...you were his father, his male role model not just mine. He became your favorite even though he was forbidden but as you said "what guilt does a baby have because of his parents", he was your first grandchild, your first grandson, the light of your life. I remember resenting you at times when you tried to over rule my parenting, spoiling him, making him into a monster. But now I realize he was so lucky to have lived with his "Papa" to have known you, to have been loved by you unlike Sophie who cannot remember you.

"Hi Papa, I love you. I missed you...Happy birthday Papa" she said those words today at the cemetery, without prompting memorizing the words, knowing we are there to visit you and uncle. She's even said it when she has come with mom and aunt...she is so cute but more so I see her trying to remember. She asks me about how you used to hold her in your arms when she was a baby, when she was sleeping and how you would fall asleep sitting there holding her. You wouldn't put her down because you said she would wake up and and couldn't sleep. You loved her so much even if for a brief moment...you told mom how you wished you could have watched Sophie get married, mom laughed because you used to say only until at least to see Paul get married.

Your love was far greater and stronger than I realized, even though you did not express to us in words of your love your departure left us shattered. Our world came crashing down on us and we didn't know what to do. I tried to stay strong for mom, I tired to fulfill your wishes but there was so much chaos and turmoil after you left. I realize now that to ease my pain I had to focus on trying to make everything ok, I took on the burden of being you, the roles your son's did not take nor want so as your daughter I took on the role of taking care of everyone even though it wasn't welcomed. I didn't want to but I had to because mom was falling apart, how could she not be. Her only love, the man she followed to America leaving behind her family and everything she knew had been taken from her life. She could not have even imagined him having cancer let alone dying within weeks of finding out. She was like a child, looking for direction, not knowing what to make of her life, she was completely lost. But with time she is getting better, although she speaks of being with you but she is still young, she deserves to live a happy life. You know she has lived a hard life with you, she regrets none of it only that you left her so early but please give her the permission to live what time she has to the fullest. To do the things she wanted to do with you, I know you would want that for her, with all her sacrifice and devotion to you and your family that's the least you can do for her.

I'm sorry I did not visit you that much this last year but it was the only way I could go on with my life, I've been having a tough time Dad. These last few years have been painful and agonizing but I need to go on and start being mother to my kids and a wife to my husband. I need your help dad to keep things mellow, for some good things to happen to our family, your wife needs it, we all do. I love you Dad and I miss you so much, I think I will always hurt but it won't bring you back. So instead I will live my life to fullest extent, to love and raise my kids with the love and support they need to become kind, good, and successful people. To pass on to them the care and kindness you showed to your family. Thank you for loving me and never losing hope in me regardless of what I did and all the pain I caused.

Happy Birthday Dad! I love you. Rest in peace.