tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77828586226588510332012-01-16T10:58:31.497-08:00...Crazy Ramblings of My Inner Voice....imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.comBlogger961100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-84787880761040111022011-12-07T11:33:00.001-08:002011-12-07T12:28:05.464-08:00

I can't believe how fast this year has passed and how much has changed and yet remained the same. It's already December 7th, 34 days till my son ships off to Navy boot camp. I guess that is why the days seem to slip by so fast even though we had 6 months till January 10th. I guess it has given me time to grieve and now finally accept his choice and actually feel confident in the path he has

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-44555482387801871192011-05-12T12:29:00.000-07:002011-05-13T13:40:44.141-07:00

It's my son's 18th birthday today and I'm feeling sentimental and sad. It's not so much he is 18, a grown up in terms of being able to go to jail, buy cigarettes, enlist in the military, etc. But because I realized how I failed as a parent, how the one thing I had that kept me secure I was not able to give to him. I'm not being dramatic or over emotional..yeah I'm actually pretty stable now days

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-73544668053502449032011-04-07T10:15:00.000-07:002011-04-10T20:29:25.119-07:00

It will be four years this Sunday, April 10th, my Uncle's birthday that my father passed away. In ways it seems just like yesterday and then as I look at my children I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. The pain of watching him die is forever embedded in my being so as I think about him the pain resurfaces raw and real but the one thing I'm able to do is not think about him or else I

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-34029131599423372002011-04-05T09:38:00.000-07:002011-04-05T18:58:40.666-07:00

I guess besides having my bad days I have defeated the "fog" for the time being. More or less I feel more like myself, not perfect far from it but I do not have the over whelming feeling of dread and defeat. I feel ok and life is good in so many ways and I'm finally able to see since the fog has dissipated! My mom fractured her fibula and sprained her ankle while going into work last week. But

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-28853663483045230342011-03-09T18:14:00.000-08:002011-03-09T18:29:24.872-08:00

Right after my latest rant fest/melt down things have looked brighter. For one the next day son comes home with a bouquet of flowers and tells me how he appreciates me and loves me. The same morning I'm not yelling for baby girl to hurry up and eat, no arguments or break downs (mine) and homework after school is a breeze. She gets it, no complaining, no whining. And the crazy part is that I

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-36284759002596792042011-03-04T08:55:00.000-08:002011-03-04T09:18:52.386-08:00

No matter how I try I fail at being a good mother. At this moment I feel like I have not accomplished anything in my life. Even though I finished school it's not like I did my best, far from it. It seems like my entire life I have not succeed in doing anything worth while and worst of all I'am a failure at being a parent, a mother. I don't want to blame how I was parented or mothered because

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-75737049370690364712011-03-01T13:34:00.001-08:002011-03-01T13:41:56.094-08:00

I have to keep reminding myself of all the things I do have and not dwell on the things I do not. As I try to stay afloat I have to admit I get tired of just paddling and staying afloat but sometimes I wonder if it would be better to stop paddling and let myself sink to the bottom. But then who am'I kidding there is no way that would ever happen...even as I curse and fight the entire way I would

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-19614087115704899072011-02-17T11:01:00.000-08:002011-02-17T11:15:00.787-08:00

Well all is ok even with my melt down although in many ways they are actually tamer in ways and just going with it instead of fighting it seemed to make it pass without too much destruction. I'm feeling fine actually besides have some body aches which could be related to all the illness that is running rampant at the kids schools or maybe just arthritis due from the damp weather, either way I

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-58691509482458139642011-02-10T10:03:00.000-08:002011-02-10T10:26:04.869-08:00

Baby girl has a school musical today and if I was a good parent it wouldn't even be a question that I would attend but the ugly parent (the one that I'm) doesn't want to sit in a small auditorium with 500 plus people for an over hour trying to peer over rows of heads to see her. Yeah I suck and I want to be off my duties as a mom for one day...I did the weekly volunteering yesterday beyond my

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-56353241832350507832011-02-08T15:44:00.000-08:002011-02-08T16:00:37.324-08:00

As much as I want to say the positive vibe has stayed and my life is full of sunshine and daises it has come to a halting stop, actually it's slammed head on into the wall. But realistically speaking it's more like running in circles going nowhere. The movements are fierce but the actual progress is none to nil. So I keep trudging on even though I so want to jump off this wheel and head for the

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-32869871758441077032011-01-31T11:01:00.000-08:002011-01-31T11:20:13.760-08:00

It seems so obvious and simple that it is completely missed and over looked. That being in the present and not looking forward or back is the key to contentment. I realize being present in the right now is so difficult for me to do. My mind is usually occupied with things in the past or looking into the future when today passes me by and I wonder where it went. This has been my life for the past

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-19527872886452925312011-01-18T13:01:00.000-08:002011-02-17T11:17:11.478-08:00

So I 've made up my mind to change, ok so it's been a long time coming but this year,2011 I will really make the steps to work on all the things that I need to change, to improve, to grow, to hopefully better myself. So 2011 has already started and it's officially January 18th today I start. I will write every day on paper, not just here but use a pen or pencil on paper regardless of what it is.

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-60138559494773373822011-01-13T16:57:00.000-08:002011-02-17T11:17:40.436-08:00

Sometimes it's hard to feel grateful and positive when dealing with a 17 year old and a 6 year old. I try to remind myself how it could be worst but sometimes it's hard to believe since I gave up my life for them.

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-22045534317024547382011-01-12T12:52:00.000-08:002011-01-12T13:12:17.124-08:00

I can't believe how much I'm craving a cigarette. Yes it's disgusting, foul and stupid so I have not succumbed to this dirty habit. I had smoked on and off for a few years, more so when I went out and drank....how well the two dirty little habits fit with each other. It was a dirty little vice but I had quit although a few years back I let myself smoke a few random cigarettes alone as I sat in

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-25578460073099301632011-01-11T10:40:00.000-08:002011-01-11T11:12:13.610-08:00

To be categorized, labeled, grouped, clustered, classed, named, slotted and defined we are a part of society, to others even to our self. In the ways of man we label everything in our world, and if there is not a label we seek one out to define it to shove it in what believe it to be fitting. However we change and reassign because "new" things have been discovered when in reality we never knew

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-48803913630781943372011-01-06T12:07:00.000-08:002011-01-06T12:49:59.035-08:00

2010 came and went in a flash...I know time goes by faster as we age but wow this year really went by fast. On the positive note I went through much of it out of the fog, being present and making changes within myself getting better. Not saying I'm ok, prefect because I don't think that will ever be the reality for me. But being able to have my bad days, hell everyone has bad days and not being

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-75913252514226849102010-12-16T10:17:00.000-08:002010-12-16T10:44:57.666-08:00

I thought things would get better, that the air would clear, that speaking up would clarify things but instead I stand with this heavy heart. I'm able to clear my mind with thoughts and not lie awake at night as they repeatedly play over and over. But the reality is that I carry this burden, this guilt as always that is slowly draining my soul. I felt dizzy as if I was floating, I knew I wasn't

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-76836391784378469482010-11-30T12:22:00.000-08:002010-11-30T12:56:57.693-08:00

I have been trying to work on this beast within myself and at times I have felt that I have overcome the grasp that slowly pulls me down within my internal abyss of darkness. There are great days, so that I feel like I have rebounded into my life, into my old self and this flabby shell of an body isn't me but my former self is waiting to emerge out. But then I awaken in fear, trying to reach for

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-48048516822388261252010-05-17T12:24:00.000-07:002011-02-17T11:20:16.396-08:00

I'm jobless once again and I'm starting to feel the dull pull again. There is a definite link to how productive I feel ( bringing in income) and my mental well being. Even though logically I know I shouldn't tie my own value to money it is clearly obvious that it is interconnected and as of now I feel like crap again. I feel the rapid descend into the abyss that is my illness, the self entrapment

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-68425781978344614532010-04-01T14:17:00.000-07:002011-02-17T11:20:59.018-08:00

The MIL and the nephew has left and I have so much to do but I feel so tired I think I need another week to recuperate from the vacation! I need to work, I did a some hours but not as much as I would have liked since it requires concentration and quiet time by myself. I didn't realize how distracting it is to have my desk out in the living room and how much I really need to work in the office.

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-8595508787141533582010-03-26T15:41:00.000-07:002010-03-26T16:15:09.636-07:00

It's been a long time since I wrote even though I really needed too. I guess it goes back to giving myself some time to do the things I need instead of putting it on the back burner. The positive is that I've got this depression beat, well ok except for those few days when it grabs hold of me and gives me a good shake but even then I know it isn't the same. I'm moving forward but the same

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-30547639006750417862010-01-12T15:26:00.001-08:002011-02-17T11:22:16.246-08:00

Well does it always seem like whenever you say something out loud it comes true, that you or someone else will "jinks" your luck. That whatever you comment on how well you are doing...etc. will then turn for the worst. That seems to be the case this year and it's only started. First with the hubby's car breaking down right after he and his Uncle had a conversation of how old it was and how it was

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-90344005449292983342010-01-08T09:33:00.000-08:002010-01-08T10:02:32.038-08:00

Although one of my changes for this year was to re-connect with my family and friends my tolerance for negativity is nil. As I have gotten older I have become judgemental and cannot tolerate to be around negative people. But what happens when they are your family members. The last two and half years I had dedicated myself and my families well being for that of my mom. I wanted to protect her from

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-28413410837297344452010-01-05T12:00:00.000-08:002010-01-05T12:30:39.474-08:00

I can't believe 2009 has already passed and gone. So much and yet so little has happened. I guess in terms of my depression a lot has been accomplished in that I'm out of the fog and feeling "normal" again. But the reality is I have changed in so many ways, some good and some not so much for the better. In terms of worst is the relationship with my family (extended) has changed drastically. In

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-76204436535130638952009-11-18T08:45:00.000-08:002009-11-18T10:37:07.547-08:00

It seemed like I defeated it, I had won the battle and everything was going to be ok. But that's what it does..it leaves you alone to feel sure and confident it has passed but once you let go of your defenses, letting the guard down, inhaling deeply to feel the rush of success it comes back and grabs you harder, deeper, dragging you down further into the abyss. You are faced with the triggers of

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-32344947875301160902009-10-27T20:59:00.000-07:002009-10-27T21:21:13.234-07:00

It is amazing how things look and feel when your head is out of the fog, when the feeling of numbness wrapped in pain releases its grip on you. You feel alive again, you feel the pain but more than that you are unsatisfied to the point in which you want out of it. That is the difference in that you take active steps to move away from what makes you feel pain, discomfort and distraught. You do not

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-76938985113827150162009-09-27T23:55:00.000-07:002009-09-28T00:20:00.467-07:00

After a really bad day I started feeling better, not perfect if there is such a thing but good. I want to feel good and I feel it, not just a phase but I feel me wanting to come out and live life again. I wish I can say the battle is over but it is not, it maybe never be and this will be something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. But I'm ok with that, I don't expect every day to

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-78607018672055689182009-09-02T11:13:00.000-07:002011-02-17T11:23:30.911-08:00

Baby girl loves school, she tells me every day when I pick her up. However every morning she is reluctant to go inside the play yard and insists I stay by the gate. After the second day of school the school wanted parents to drop kids off at the gate and not go into the school yard. So instead of walking her to her class or to her teacher I stand and wait by the gate but she like a few other

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-27317368869365235252009-08-25T09:45:00.000-07:002009-08-25T09:58:08.543-07:00

Today is baby girl's first day of kindergarten and even though I couldn't wait till she started I'am sad. I guess it's bitter sweet since it's an end of a era, end of her needing me so much awhile I felt so suffocated. I'm guilty of wanting my own life, my freedom knowing well enough the day would come where I would feel sad when she left my side. Finally the day has arrived, today is that day of

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-12906417875851088542009-08-21T22:23:00.000-07:002009-08-21T22:31:47.476-07:00

Baby girl is sleeping, boy has been in his room and here we sit in the livin groom in our repsective areas on the computer. The tv is on for background noise but no one is watching it. It's friday night and this is our life every day. I dont know how it got this way but here it is. I guess this is how they say married people get in a rut...a painful and ugly truth. I guess it's bettter than us

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-76583531705313475952009-08-21T19:31:00.000-07:002009-08-21T19:52:04.063-07:00

Pictures they say can capture a soul..a look can be held forever in time. So what the fuck does the ones that hold the images of my fat self say for my soul. What does it hold but say I'm a bit obese and embarrassed and I'm trying to smile even though I'm screaming get the fuck outta my face! So I regress and I'm judging myself purely on how I look...fat..rolls...lumps..no lovely lady lumps...

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-37202845952477868182009-08-19T13:40:00.001-07:002009-08-19T14:17:21.236-07:00

Every day I wait hoping for tomorrow to hurry up yet it's not because I have anything planned or there is something special happening. And at the same time I look back and see how fast these last 5 years have gone by and I'm saddened by how fast I let it all slip away..wasting precious time I will never get back. Time with the kids...years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds that are gone and

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-20030285855534053222009-07-28T12:49:00.000-07:002009-07-28T13:41:01.674-07:00

It has been a long time since I wrote but I really had nothing to write about. Life has gone by and it has been the same thing, only the physical date changes but I'm frozen in time. I have not changed, I have not lost weight, I have not gone to a doctor, dentist...I'm afloat in my vast sea of despair. But it's not in turmoil of waves or a storm but alone far from any land. I have no paddle, just

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-62720394041289224192009-04-29T16:11:00.000-07:002009-04-29T16:43:58.992-07:00

We finally ripped out all the old cabinets and are preparing for the new cabinet installation. It has been a tedious and dreary journey because the old ladies are living under the construction and with no kitchen. The bathroom remodels went smoothly since there was always one bathroom available but not having a kitchen is causing some stress and headaches. That's on their end but it hasn't been a

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-1023438625551125782009-04-13T16:08:00.000-07:002009-04-13T16:38:10.421-07:00

What can I say but I don't like motherhood, I don't get the satisfaction and warmth from taking care of my children nor doing housework. I do not glow with a motherly love or pride as I pick up toys, pens, books and used up tissue paper. As I vacuum the bits and pieces everywhere the cuss words slowly come forth, as the bits are sucked up cuss words are spewed out. It's a rhythm of my life, the

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-88863570224990752232009-04-10T22:06:00.000-07:002009-04-10T22:24:17.707-07:00

It has been two years since you have gone and the emptiness and pain still remain. I know you are in a better place but it is our own selfish needs of wanting you still with us. I miss you dad far more than I can express...I realize now the darkness I felt slowly creep into me was that of nearing your death, the reminder of that it has been two years already since you died. I don't know what much

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-33823836252756944282009-03-31T12:37:00.000-07:002009-03-31T12:58:02.780-07:00

Bam!Out of no where the shitty feelings have come back. I don't have the fog, yet but hopefully it wont get that bad again. I just feel antsy and pissed off...not liking it one bit. I also realize now for sure I've become a major emotional eater...the crappier I feel the more I feel like eating even though I'm not hungry. It's like I'm emotionally starving so I have to physically fill myself up

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-25601249658509655442009-03-30T09:59:00.000-07:002009-03-30T10:31:30.288-07:00

I've reached my limit, the point of where I have ignored my own needs but now I want out. I want out of this so called life of mine, I want out of this self-sacrificing shit, I want out of doing what's best for the kids, over looking that I basically carry on conversations with myself..that I do not have a support system in which to meet my needs. Yes I've blown my cover, but the thing is I don't

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-6091320172061254592009-03-27T22:42:00.000-07:002009-03-27T23:01:32.508-07:00

Lately I've spent most of my online time of Face book, I was slow to warm up not adding any friends but slowly I was getting more and more friend requests. Before I knew it I was hooked..full blown addicted to finding those damn "hatchlings" one of their many applications, looking up "old friends" and seeing what they been up to after high school. So typical most of all the popular people are

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-91567045584815102502009-03-11T13:07:00.000-07:002011-02-17T11:36:09.484-08:00

We went on a mini family vacation to Disneyland courtesy of my mother-in-law(she paid) this last weekend. This last summer we went to San Diego with her and the hubby's nephew and it was over all a pleasant experience. So when she suggested another trip to Disneyland I didn't give second thought to it. I should have taken note why my brother in law and his wife declined on vacationing with her

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-51153275467278300902009-02-27T19:42:00.000-08:002009-02-27T20:10:19.636-08:00

I have forgotten how much I love music, they way it sooths me, the way the words express what is in my soul. It seems I had lost all aspects of my being including the emotions I feel from music. Currently I'm listening to my collection of music on my laptop and can't understand why I didn't turn on the volume and push play. Yes I'm enjoying music again...I feel alive, I feel happy. Listening to

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-27260174271033184982009-02-26T19:38:00.000-08:002009-02-26T20:07:34.784-08:00

Sometimes we need to take a break away from ourselves to stop spending precious time over analyzing every thought, word, action and reaction. Not everything has a deeper meaning, sometimes things are as they are...simple and direct. It's been a long while since I have been able to focus and see the days for what they were, without living in dread, fear, and confusion. It seems like the fog has

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-88960074320979392462009-02-16T21:51:00.000-08:002011-02-17T11:28:38.148-08:00

In the mist of the storm we are working under stress, being guided by emotions and adrenaline where action is necessary for survival. But the dust settles and we can take a step back and really see what is in front of us because in the momentum of we lose track of what really matters. We lose what is really important the day to day matters that face us, not the extreme answers that seemed to

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-36703643145593195812009-01-27T17:05:00.000-08:002009-01-27T19:43:13.441-08:00

"Your a pain Mom, a real pain in the butt..." Yep those were my words not that of a thoughtless teen but a grown woman with two kids. Sure they came out not in a fight or in anger but more in irritation, frustration and exhaustion of having to fix everything for her. There before me was a shoe box full of receipts from the last few years with her prescription drugs. I had just discovered she had

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-54687930059418015812009-01-16T21:34:00.000-08:002009-01-16T22:01:04.716-08:00

Hi there "Me" are you there? It's been a long time since we talked, I don't think the mental list and running away from what's deep inside constitutes talking. I know you been trying hard, well at least trying hard to run away from the pain but that too will end. Woman to woman you have to understand that this is all a part of life, you know by now as many times as you've fallen on your ass you

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-47066553884073781132009-01-15T21:19:00.000-08:002009-01-15T21:43:47.361-08:00

I've been keeping busy this week by organizing all the closets. On Monday I only intended to clean out and reorganize the front closet, then I had to put something in my son's closet and I saw disaster! Holy shit this boy is a pack rat, keeping all the bags and packaging..WTF! Is it too hard to remove the item out of the bag/box and put it away, not stuff the shit back in a bag and throw it in

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-4250575413711202052009-01-13T21:10:00.000-08:002009-01-13T22:06:12.690-08:00

Even though you are gone you are not forgotten, your legacy lives on through your children, grandchildren and all those you have touched. Words cannot express the emptiness I feel that you are no longer around, I miss you more as the days go by but I try and not think of you. It's not that I don't want to think about you but I can't because I need to live my life. I don't want to hold on to the

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-72899052146347766982009-01-09T19:25:00.000-08:002009-01-09T20:25:02.415-08:00

There are voices in my head, not real voices but my own thoughts, usually of things I need to clarify, things I need to work out, unresolved issues but mostly questions. The funny thing is I usually have the answers to the questions but I guess working them out on paper or typing them here helps me see them clearly. I wish I wasn't so thoughtful (obsessive is more like it)and things were straight

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-87662377315959810972009-01-09T13:26:00.000-08:002009-01-09T19:02:08.032-08:00

It seems after 36 years I would know who "I'am" but I do not. It seems like every time I felt close to what I thought would me evolved to something I did not recognize or even like. Growing up with insecurities, low self-esteem and uncertainty seemed traits only I had, denying being an child of a immigrant parents made me this way. I remember clearly talking to the school counselor in 7Th grade

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-70990483995630168662009-01-07T21:52:00.000-08:002011-02-17T11:26:56.358-08:00

As I laid in the hospital bed I couldn't catch a deep breathe...I felt like I was drowning, I could actually hear the fluid in my lungs. I felt hot and clammy and so dizzy, looking at her little face mad me so scared. I felt like I was dying...I had my first full blown anxiety attack. I told him to put her back in the baby case, to take her back to the nurses, I needed to escape but how could I

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-28679846358580532172009-01-03T16:55:00.000-08:002009-01-03T17:29:48.440-08:00

Finally the entertaining and family get together are over and I can take a breather. It wasn't so bad as I pictured in my warped mind but nice and fun. Even though I had budgeted for Christmas I blew the budget, I didn't want to stress over the money and decided I would just deal with it when the bills came. Besides we are already in debt and I wanted to have a less stressful Christmas...hell we

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-24618418918163206062008-12-21T09:42:00.000-08:002008-12-21T10:17:34.391-08:00

It's the cutest thing ever Lucky came to us "pre-owned" and with it we were super lucky to say the least...she came fully potty trained but not only that she also "begs", totally cute and irresistible. As my mom says how can I not give her any food, besides everyone is in love with her. She greets everyone who comes into the house, so friendly gentle and lovable. So she's got a fan club because

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-49538022826178832882008-12-18T10:12:00.000-08:002008-12-18T10:35:13.605-08:00

I know deep down in this empty dark soul is a warm person, a person who enjoyed being with others, enjoyed being outdoors, enjoyed living life besides its bumpy path, one who picked herself up when she fell down. But today she is nowhere to be found, she has been gone for along time, far longer than ever before. I think she wants to come back yet she is so far from where she came from. Her tracks

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-14334751915142975612008-12-15T14:49:00.000-08:002008-12-15T15:30:15.671-08:00

It's been awhile since I have wrote anything besides being busy with house guests and working on mom's house its still the same thing. Min., hours, days, months and even years go by and its the same thing. I'm still waiting to live my life, I'm still waiting for when I lose the weight, when I feel better emotionally, when we have money, when I start working again. It's the same cycle I realize

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-59364569355168316202008-11-18T11:08:00.000-08:002008-11-18T11:35:54.703-08:00

So we did it, we made a commitment to a new family member and it's a girl! We had always wanted a dog but the timing had never been right, for the last few months I thought about getting us a new family member, going back and forth with all the pros and cons. We knew we wanted a small dog since it would be an indoor dog, one that doesn't shed much, one that doesn't require tons of activity and

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-80452520238320528062008-11-10T00:25:00.000-08:002008-11-10T00:56:16.998-08:00

Sometimes I feel like writing, I have lots to get off my chest but then other times nothing. I have no inspiration what so ever to write anything, I follow all my blogs with earnest and dedication but I have nothing. Sometimes more than not I seem to be flat, no real emotion, like if I'm in energy conservation mode. It seem easier, I guess I'm used to be being brain dead since its been a few

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-58750609018718499202008-11-06T17:36:00.000-08:002008-11-10T01:31:02.450-08:00

"You can't let her watch this kind of stuff mom, she is too young. She's not supposed to be liking boys till like she is 10, she supposed to think they are yucky!"This is what my 15 year old son told me 5 min. ago because the tv is on and zoey 101 is on. Not that baby girl is really watching it, but since he changed the channel she had a fit. They have been on each other's back since he got home

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-17753928250351900062008-11-06T14:22:00.000-08:002008-11-06T14:23:52.531-08:00

Stagnant was the day, everything encompassed within felt bleak and dreary, it was very clear her life ended here. There was no real pain but numbness, a dulling weight that dragged her deep within herself. It was the scorching pain she once knew, at least she could deal with that pain but this was unlike anything else she could understand or know how to handle. All she knew was that it wasn’t so

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-81429270354926243602008-11-06T13:46:00.000-08:002008-11-06T17:52:40.744-08:00

I tend on to hold onto things from the past, dreaming of the future and not live in present. It' saddens me because I realize I do not like today, I'm always waiting for tomorrow to happen, when I believe things will get better. Before I know it times has past and I don't remember living it because I haven't. I have let hours, days, years slip past my fingers trying to be something else, to

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-17302510358266630182008-11-06T12:32:00.000-08:002008-11-06T12:47:48.056-08:00

I haven't been able to sleep, well less than usual but this time because my mind has been "on". You know the constant thoughts and ideas that go on in your head even when you want to turn it off to sleep. But no sleep just more ideas and thoughts..I can hear the rusty gears slowly cranking in motion, evidently the little bit of reading I accomplished has set the gears in motion. Good grief what

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-7931426681995481252008-11-05T12:45:00.000-08:002008-11-05T13:09:23.225-08:00

I used to love reading spending days enamoured with a book until I consumed the last pages. I could not have enough because it let me escape, to live another life, to feel, experience in some one elses life escaping my own. It has been years since I have read with such fervor and relish as I did as a child, but I long to hold that enchantment and escape. I miss the connection however abstract

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-73882181222439030872008-11-04T20:13:00.000-08:002008-11-04T20:25:53.972-08:00

I just want to say "Yes and in your face McCain/Palin!!!" I'm so joyful, elated and humbled by this moment in American history. Finally America has stepped into the 21'st century as a nation of equality and freedom. I feel proud to be an American at this moment, I just hope that prop 8 fails and California's realized that it was about taking away people's rights, not destroying family. Listening

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-87285360100578311892008-11-02T22:25:00.001-08:002008-11-02T22:58:26.348-08:00

I never really feared death growing up, actually eagerly awaiting it. As I became a teenager I tried killing my self many times, I felt so much pain all I wanted was peace, not to feel the pain but sleep forever and never wake up. Part of the drinking was to numb myself, to give myself courage to do the things I wanted to do. I sometimes wonder if this depression thing is really a chemical

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-87626367699130050372008-11-01T01:17:00.001-07:002008-11-01T02:08:55.922-07:00

It's past one Saturday morning and I'm barely winding down from day (Friday). Trick or treating was a success, gave away all the candy, we had alot of kids(at least 50+) and I got some baking done too. We made pizza for dinner so I had to make up some pizza dough, while I was in the mood I had make a double batch of chocolate ship cookies ( i freeze half of batter) and some sugar cookies. I found

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-66055436623237223262008-10-30T17:17:00.000-07:002008-10-30T17:20:25.415-07:00

What I'm drinking now....Samuel Adams Cherry Wheat...damn that's good. Cold crisp, a light taste of cherry first and finished with wheat. Why did I wait so long???

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-74677339825692964942008-10-30T16:47:00.000-07:002008-10-30T17:11:31.723-07:00

It's about that time again, well err that "time" too but dinner I mean. So the hubby should be here within 45 min. but here I'am blogging instead of cooking the bacon. It maybe cause it's almost that "time of the month" again or maybe because it's totally grey and over cast today. I've had a total headache, kinda foggy although felt much better after my hot shower. My shoulder/back really ached

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-70937193502098454752008-10-27T18:50:00.000-07:002008-10-27T18:57:55.232-07:00

"Silence" no little voice saying "oma this, oma that"..."oma, oma" well it lasted for half an hour as the three ajunmas did their drive by( drop of food to a friend). How nice a peaceful it was for a brief moment, but back to reality. "Oma, oma where are you? Did you miss me? I missed you so much!" Half an hour is an eternity to a four year old...oye.

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-27305774173570363402008-10-26T23:14:00.000-07:002008-10-31T11:32:45.137-07:00

Well it's Sunday and I don't have much to write about, no inspiration, no ranting, anger, sadness, etc. The baby girl is sleeping and the hubby left for home around 8pm after another weekend of work. Update on baking chocolate mousse cake was a success, although not as pretty as I wanted it to be but everyone loved it. I decided to cut the cake into heart shapes with the cookie cutter, it was a

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-88408992127348846532008-10-24T11:49:00.000-07:002008-10-24T12:42:28.914-07:00

It's Friday again and I haven't had the chance/motivation to write. So I write out my to do list today:1. Laundry2. Pick up living room3. Clean kitchen4. Clean bathroom5. Vacuum entire house6. Bake hubby chocolate mousse cake7. Water plants, indoors and outSo far that's it, not very exciting but all stuff that needs to be done. The most dreaded the chocolate mousse cake. For some unknown crazy

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-38761069940822367052008-10-20T21:49:00.000-07:002008-10-21T14:26:35.112-07:00

Just sitting here in the quiet since baby girl has fallen asleep since she seems to be a bit under the weather. Otherwise she would still be up, I know she should be in bed early but since she doesn't go to school I've kept it mellow. Besides the first 18 months of her life she was on a schedule, feeding at 430am cause we had to commute hour to work, so she deserves some late mornings before

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-48392114267699688272008-10-19T22:20:00.000-07:002008-10-19T22:47:45.700-07:00

Ok I didn't want to talk about politics but the fact is how can I not with it being in my face. On the news, on the web, on people's yards, on their cars, in my mail, everywhere! I'm a registered democrat however that doesn't mean I would vote that way blindly. I do agree with some things and not with others but I'm pro choice and pro marriage for gays/lesbians. It bothers me that republicans are

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-23909989145789493292008-10-18T12:54:00.000-07:002008-10-18T13:07:10.003-07:00

Ok I know what I need and sometimes it takes for someone else to tell me what I need to do, kinda like permission. Sounds funny and weird but it's true but we/I need someone outside of the situation to clearly tell me what is so obvious. I need my space, I need my sleep, I need me time.So what am'I going to do about it besides giving it a lot of lip service, I'm going to change my behavior, I

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-21309331538479963982008-10-18T01:21:00.000-07:002008-10-18T02:23:03.143-07:00

Well it's 1:22am and I'm awake not by insomnia but by a 4 year old old. She is currently in the office with her father who is playing WOW(world of war craft). She went to sleep quickly after she was read two stories by daddy but woke up 30 min ago. I tried to comfort her and told her to go back to sleep, for I was barely starting to fall alseep myself, however she couldn't do it. Tossing, turning

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-78156034710651782402008-10-16T13:12:00.000-07:002008-10-16T13:53:20.812-07:00

Action results in a reaction, so it shouldn't surprise me that since I'm not feeling like a caged up bear that I'm handling the baby girl's melt downs as I should and not like a crazed lunatic. I notice she has more outbursts, melt downs and tears when I'm feeling impatient and short. Or the truth is I can handle her better so she doesn't have a full blown tantrum. It lies on how I react to her,

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-75521775706937780832008-10-15T09:47:00.000-07:002008-10-15T20:47:19.243-07:00

They say one of the most important things for woman to have are friends, a support system that understands us, that heal us, that laugh, cry and complains with us. But sometimes we lose our life supports, be it through a move, a marriage, a birth of a child, a change in a career or just paths that diverge with time. I believe all the contacts and friendships we make are for a reason, no matter

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-12731083019116830842008-10-13T23:56:00.000-07:002008-10-14T00:38:23.527-07:00

I know everyone has things that moves them to tears, anger, joy, envy, exhilaration and pride. Sometimes it occurs with age but usually with experience. It shapes us to feel things differently than we did before. Be it shame as a child being scolded for something we did, the kiss of our first love, the anger of being called a name in the school yard or the simple joy of seeing a pretty flower.

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-24096184994500929212008-10-13T23:46:00.000-07:002008-10-13T23:55:32.237-07:00

to be human is to make mistakes,to be human is to have regrets,to be human is to learn from those mistakes,to be human is not repeat those mistakes,to be human is to make them again,to be human is to move forward,to be human is to move two steps back,to be human is to be imperfect,to be human is wanting perfection,to be human is striving,to be human is deciding,to be human is enlightening,to be

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-5127823120710037292008-10-11T16:55:00.000-07:002008-10-14T00:42:39.888-07:00

I know I'm PMSing but the craziness has got to stop...I don't know where the anger comes from but its insatiable monster that needs to be fed. It's all but a pin drop away before it implodes within myself. It happens monthly although lasts more than a week and then I restart all over again. Working at feeling normal again...hello is it just me?

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-25096561919484835722008-10-10T15:58:00.000-07:002008-10-10T16:32:28.527-07:00

It's already Friday although since I stopped working its not quite the same as before. Weekends were for shopping, laundry, cleaning...no wait it is the same but now I go to my mom's house and work. Today is my cleaning/laundry day, but I say that very loosely since I haven't cleaned anything but I did three loads of laundry. Half way true so yeah I'm on schedule...pms is on schedule and kicking

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-5616868597805175112008-10-09T11:14:00.000-07:002008-10-09T11:39:35.304-07:00

I'm doing it, keeping up with the daily writing although I do notice I start off with a certain topic and then I ramble on and on. I guess I've got a lot to say and no one to say it too. One thing I do notice is that when I just write and then publish I end up with a mess. I understand the reason behind editing however part of me doesn't not want this to be a class in critical writing. I want the

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-7953700870213443282008-10-08T12:58:00.001-07:002008-10-08T20:25:58.916-07:00

At home right now, just spoke with the pest control guy about the annoying black widows. Since we moved here we've noticed a slight pest problem...ok really annoying and scary pest problem. I'm all about the circle of life and shit but having black widows all around my house is not ok. We waited to get them sprayed/exterminated but I've noticed even with finishing our backyard (no longer a

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-49615718947688326902008-10-05T22:04:00.000-07:002008-10-05T22:43:57.468-07:00

It's Sunday night and the hubby and son went back home while me and baby girl are still at my mom's house. We finished sanding (ok hubby finished) , fixed plumbing for the sink, painted on the primer and laid out the tile. It looks really good if I say so myself, especially since its a first for us. I just need to paint the door, buy door hinges, then paint the room on Tuesday since it takes 24

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-43776816698493525962008-10-04T13:04:00.000-07:002008-10-04T13:38:34.780-07:00

It's drizzling outside, definitely not a good hard rain, just the kind that leaves your car looking like shit. My ass is totally unmotivated, I should be helping my husband sand the walls but instead I'm surfing the Internet. I'm constipated, yep plugged up and feeling like crap...yep feeling it not taking one. I go from having days of shits to being totally blocked up...I actually prefer the

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-68647380882166271912008-10-03T11:54:00.000-07:002008-10-06T22:51:12.100-07:00

I started this post a few days ago but didn't complete it, got distracted by the kids. Well came back to do my daily post (I have decided no matter what the topic or how long or short I will do one post a day) after reading my new favorite food blog...TasteSpotting (thanks Kia for the link). Man I love all the pictures, they look so good...I realized I've been looking at it for the last hour and

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-61823749371556428922008-10-02T10:10:00.000-07:002008-10-03T09:41:30.849-07:00

To Do:1.Continue budgeting2.Continue working on mom's house3.*Start exercise program4.Focus on the kids5.Focus on the hubbySimply put things I need to work on...although they are all so much more complicated than that, but writing them out like that makes it easier to handle.It's Friday today so time to do laundry and pack since we will be leaving for my mom's house to finish the bathroom. It's

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-45376229993180402272008-09-18T11:11:00.000-07:002008-10-03T09:20:24.054-07:00

I've been busy going back and forth to my mom's house every week now since my uncle died. I can't believe its been over a month now and even though I saw him pass away before my eyes it still seem surreal. I guess death is like that, even when you actually experience it first hand, well that is watching someone pass on. Having two deaths in such a short period of time sucks to say the very least,

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-42715505389685077742008-09-11T11:45:00.001-07:002008-09-11T13:16:39.090-07:00

My son "Mom is there life after death? It would suck if there wasn't right mom? "Me "I don't know maybe so and maybe not, although if that's the case then you have total peace? If there is a life after no one knows, till they die and obviously they can't tell you."I've wondered about that too, especially with how Christians believe if your cremated you can't go to heaven or some shit like that.

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-86062797428089536832008-09-06T21:35:00.000-07:002008-09-06T22:09:23.823-07:00

I turned on the water, cracked open the window, turned on the fans and turned up the volume. Finally a moment to myself, I knew the matches were on the top shelf in the medicine cabinet, for my candles of course. The devilish stick that sent my father to his grave was in my lips, I lit the match and inhaled, yes inhaled and damn it felt good...I know sad, sick but its the only thing I had left,

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-32682332699317482662008-09-05T12:21:00.000-07:002008-09-05T13:03:04.166-07:00

I hate HATE feeling this way...that weird antsy crazy feeling within yourself where you feel like crawling out of your skin. The crazy intensity and buzzing that comes with it...I hate it. I feel crazy, literally when I feel this way, my head hurts, I feel shaky, nauseous and tense all at once. I don't always feel this way, but when I feel this way I can't sleep, I feel like I'm amped. Is this

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-90547057538331164642008-09-04T13:22:00.000-07:002008-09-04T20:11:47.645-07:00

Funny thing is that I haven't written much in here nor is it giving me the outlet to vent as I thought it would. Alot of things have happened and none good. My uncle died August 12, from internal bleeding but he had many more other health issues besides that. He was, no is my uncle who married my father's oldest sister, my aunt. They are the ones who live with my mom, the ones that cause more

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-47669699257881251232008-08-07T14:15:00.000-07:002008-08-07T15:04:22.076-07:00

I heard that if you thought you were crazy that you really weren't cause real crazy people don't think they are crazy. But hey I know I'm and I don't try to rationalize it, I try to "control" it and I guess in ways have been very successful....did I mention I wanted to be a psychologist or a counselor however even with my depression/bi-polar? state I have not sought out any medical help. Why?

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-45574548231608608052008-06-03T12:29:00.000-07:002008-06-03T13:33:19.248-07:00

I have walked/jogged over 39 miles since I received my tread mill for mother's day. I have to say I feel much better too but I knew I would so it really isn't a surprise but a relief. I know, why don't I just go outside and take a walk but the fact is I do not want to see anyone, I do not want to offer greetings nor smile. Because I'm depressed damn it, unlike the "real" me who is warm, bubbly

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-54048277035547017812008-05-09T13:18:00.000-07:002008-05-20T12:01:58.816-07:00

Growing up I always day dreamed, not just sitting around and wishing myself away into another life but while I was physically doing something. Washing the dishes, cooking dinner, folding laundry all while playing scenes in my head living another life. It would sometimes be from books I read or something I saw on t.v. or a combination of both. My mind wandered where I could be free to be the me,

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-31016472956392613442008-05-08T14:25:00.000-07:002008-05-08T14:39:12.700-07:00

I wrote this last year a few months after my father passed away, I was hurt and angry but more so disappointed in my family, my father's siblings.Tradition of Ignorance... With the recent death of my father I have been forced to face the truth of Korean traditions, beliefs and culture. It is something I ‘m not proud of or want to have any connection with, I see the hypocrisy and the

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-21811564395492595032008-05-02T17:52:00.000-07:002008-05-07T19:07:47.903-07:00

Saturday I went to my mother's house to cook food for Chesa for my grandfather, like always it was just myself and my aunt. My mother had to work and my brother and his wife knew nothing of it. Even though he was supposed to be there and his wife should have been cooking I was doing it like I had been for the last 14 years. That's the funny thing about our family, even though my two older

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7782858622658851033.post-15627762106460211522008-05-01T14:53:00.000-07:002008-05-02T18:08:44.611-07:00

You would think after taking 10 years to finish my B.A. in sociology as a single mom (double psychology/soc. major but dropped the PSY...too much work) I would know what I wanted to do. Yet here I find myself "searching" for what I want to do/be once my baby girl starts school. I've been trying to convince myself that these last three and half years haven't been a waste but good for the kids.

imworkingfromtheinsideouthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00703578124802725381noreply@blogger.com2