Birthday's and failure

It's my son's 18th birthday today and I'm feeling sentimental and sad. It's not so much he is 18, a grown up in terms of being able to go to jail, buy cigarettes, enlist in the military, etc. But because I realized how I failed as a parent, how the one thing I had that kept me secure I was not able to give to him. I'm not being dramatic or over emotional..yeah I'm actually pretty stable now days as the depression has left me and I'm conducting my life with a clear head. But I realized I took away from my son the one thing I wanted him to know he would always have and that is we, I would always be here for him. That he could always come home if he ever wanted to venture off, not that once he turned 18 his ass was out, not that he was a burden to me, not that he could feel safe and confident that this was his home always. So he wants to leave be on his own, so he can feel secure in that he has a place to be without feeling like if he doesn't do something he will be out on his own.

Sure we gotten into some arguments and I told him if he didn't like our rules to leave but I had no idea he really believed this. I guess the fact remains that I have failed ultimately as a parent in that I could not provided my child with the one security that I would always be here for him. Even though I told him otherwise I guess the seed has been planted and so he seems to believe this. He wants to join the military, not sure which branch yet but he is determined to be on his own and not be a burden on me anymore. I guess he will not realize maybe till he is a parent one day I will always care and worry about him no matter how old he gets, regardless of what he does or doesn't do. I hope somehow he will be able to find confidence and security in me that he once had. So I wish him a happy birthday and I die inside as he really does slip away.