Seeking

I'm jobless once again and I'm starting to feel the dull pull again. There is a definite link to how productive I feel ( bringing in income) and my mental well being. Even though logically I know I shouldn't tie my own value to money it is clearly obvious that it is interconnected and as of now I feel like crap again. I feel the rapid descend into the abyss that is my illness, the self entrapment, self torture that does not reason with logic or facts but one that rules itself in its own sickness. It suffocates me as I'm perfectly aware of whats to come....not fear but disgust and resentfulness fills me. I hate it, I hate myself...how can things be so simple yet so damn complicated. Swinging back and forth like a pendulum with no pause in site, only picking up speed as it quickly spirals out of control. I watch in horror of what is to come and yet I can't stop it, the antsy feeling builds and I want it all to end. I feel tired of this relentless game, this stupid cycle of insanity that consumes my being. How I simply wish it would all end, this stupid thing called depression, no matter how hard I work to make it better I have to keep working hardier to keep my head afloat.


Six miles, yes six damn miles a day of walking and no weight lose, actually I gained 3 pounds! Muscle my ass and yet even with the out of control allergies I stuck with it, then the old injury came back. Stupid knee became swollen but I ignored it to the point in which I couldn't walk without pain. Fuck it I throw in the towel....my ass is fat so I must just accept this fate and don't plan on ever taking pictures again. (Sigh) I have fantasies that I'm trim, toned and sporting my bikini again...ha! Not even close but the desire to become healthy is there yet more than that I want to be productive again. Even though I do things I realize I do not find any real value in what I do. I may feel even worst because of the stupid pill I'm taking for these damn cold sores that have come back again! Yes always under stress I get these damn sores, I guess my internal