Figures....

It's been a long time since I wrote even though I really needed too. I guess it goes back to giving myself some time to do the things I need instead of putting it on the back burner. The positive is that I've got this depression beat, well ok except for those few days when it grabs hold of me and gives me a good shake but even then I know it isn't the same. I'm moving forward but the same conversations keep happening in my head. I need to be a better parent, I need to be a better, wife, I need to be a better daughter, sister, Aunt...etc. And yet even though I try I feel like it isn't lifting me up More do I feel so great about it all. I actually feel so busy and burnt out lately.

Ok the positive is yes I got a job, a fluke really but it's been wonderful being able to contribute although it never feels like it is enough. I'm still volunteering all day baby girls class on Mondays (turns out I'm the TAP parent)and I'm doing bookkeeping for an old high school friend at home. Working from home sucks ass cause you never really have a straight 8 hours to dedicate to work when you got kids, people visiting and house work. So instead I put in four here, two hours there and end up really spreading it over 18 hours, so it turns out to be a really long work day. It's tax season so I have been pressed to get his business stuff out besides his personal stuff. The sick part of me loves the pressure and the feeling of being on the go but the real me, the older me feels run down and tired. Could be the PMS speaking but as of this week I'm burnt out. Did I mention I'm preparing for a visit from my mother-in-law and nephew for the kids spring break. Well as much as vacations are supposed to be I haven't enjoyed any family vacations. It's been more work than play, I still have to finish the laundry, go shopping, vacuumed and put some hours in for the paid work. So far this morning I have baked two types of breads then delivered them and the dog to my mom's house 55 miles away. I guess I should be "cleaning" but instead I'm typing away.

I feel resentful and angry cause I agreed to this mini vacation with my husbands mother and nephew. Did I mention every time she visits she brings him, did I mention he is only 4, so the vacations end up being me entertaining them all, making them meals, watching the kids while they go on the rides. Basically I'm the baby sitter..I don't know when I became the old lady kicking back watching the kids instead of going on the rides. I'm trying to be grateful but I feel tired and mad at myself for being such a pushover, of being the good daughter-in-law. I hate being a Korean daughter-in-law, I hate entertaining constantly being on all the time....they are coming tomorrow and leaving Thursday.(Sigh)

For some stupid reason this year the allergies have been really kicking my ass, I'm taking claritin but I keep having a cough and feel so damn tired after being outside. I have been trying to keep up with my walks which unfortunately haven't helped me loose any weight but hopefully keeping the fog at bay. Today I felt foggy in my eyes but I think its from the allergies, at least I hope so.

The weight lose hasn't been successful at all, I walk at least 4 days week for at least 3 miles each but no success. I guess my metabolism is fucked up from not eating right. I don't have time to work out for hours either, not do I want to...maybe I can go on the biggiest loser but then I'm not obese. I actually just wanted to lose between 5-10 pds in these last month but nothing...I think I even gained a few more pounds. Sure muscle weighs more than fat but I don't think its muscle. I hate when I get this way..stupid irritation, antsy feeling. I guess its major PMS...life sucks ass right now at this moment although in my real world it looks fine. It's just the mental one that is fucked!